BROODING OVER BENEVOLENCE

Sometimes a Light Suprises

2011-05-19T17:33:00.002-04:00

"Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's;
he makes me tread on my high places." Habakkuk 3:17-19

I come back to this verse that I wrote on a couple of months ago. At the time, I was wrestling through some doubts, fears, despairing thoughts, and disillusions. I'm glad that God takes me through valleys of sorrow to bring me to rivers of joy (thank you JoC).

It's good to be reminded of where you were, and the rest you could find when the vines were fruitless and the fields were fallow. I trust in God not because the blessing is evident, but because the Blesser is ever-present. It's good to be reminded of God's grace and evident mercy when the blessing is evident. I don't want to forget that as well and pray the Spirit continues to make that evident.

When I think of the happenings of the past 6 days...I'm blown away by God's reminder of blessing. He has been and always will be the giver of all good gifts. I'm pretty thankful for the good gift that He's brought back into my life recently. Many of my pining and questioning entries over the last 4 months have been my heart's pull toward this person, and I couldn't be more excited that God has renewed that relationship as if we hadn't skipped a beat and cultivating it to glorify Him as the source of all joy.

This song by Indelible Grace has been ringing in my ears/heart all day, and the basic message reminds me primarily of how the shining light of God into the Christian's heart which jolts the senses, awakens the eyes, and rejuvenates the affections...what's been dead has been resuscitated to new life. When I think of it, it also reminds me of that relationship recently brought back to life..."Sometimes a light surprises the Christian while he sings, It is the Lord who rises with healing in His wings, When comforts are declining, He grants the soul again; A season of clear shining, to cheer it after the rain... Yet, God the same abiding, His praise shall tune my voice; For, while in Him confiding, I cannot but rejoice."

I love it...enjoy!

Sometimes a light surprises
The Christian while he sings;
It is the Lord who rises
With healing in His wings:
When comforts are declining,
He grants the soul again
A season of clear shining,
To cheer it after the rain.

In holy contemplation
We sweetly then pursue
The theme of God's salvation,
And find it ever new;
Set free from present sorrow,
We cheerfully can say,
Let the unknown tomorrow
Bring with it what it may.

Tomorrow can bring us nothing,
But He will bear us through:
Who gives the lilies clothing
Will clothe His people, too:
Beneath the spreading heavens
No creature but is fed;
And He Who feeds the ravens
Will give His children bread.

Though vine nor fig tree neither
Their wonted fruit should bear,
Though all the fields should wither,
Nor flocks or herds be there
Yet, God the same abiding,
His praise shall tune my voice;
For, while in Him confiding,
I cannot but rejoice.

Let your Will Be Done in Me

2011-05-14T16:59:00.002-04:00

When a song shuffles on the itunes that I really need to hear, I can't help but be thankful. It may be the Calvinist in me, but I tend to view those situations as providential. Today was no exception...God has used this CD to be a comfort and a peace when my souls been disquieted recently, and "As Long as You Are Glorified" is no exception. Oh, that I would be to the praise of His glory regardless of the pain or blessing. It's my prayer and hope, and I hope it blesses you too. I hope to be reminded of that tonight at Lampmode's Tea Time...should be dope (thanks Brian for your influence...trying to get in the right mind frame for tonight :)!

"In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves" Ephesians 1:5-6 (NIV)

A Philly Phriday

2011-05-13T23:43:00.002-04:00

Some days are like this. Some weeks are like this. I'd spent the last 3 months substitute teaching at a great school with 5th graders in the morning & Kindergarten/1st graders in the afternoon. I loved these kids from the moment I met them and hated to go when their teacher came back from maternity leave. Some days they were crazy and some days they were angels, but they never ceased to amaze me. Technically, they were in special ed programs, and the word special is definitely underrated. Yea, most struggled with behavioral issues, learning disabilities, autism, intellectual disabilities, etc., but they were/are so much more than that. They were special because they fought to be "normal", persevered in spite of ability, made huge strides in their education, and learned that they could "do it". I miss them all ginormously!!

So, this week was the first week back to day-to-day subbing. I took a day off here, took a couple of half days there, and just took the week easy. I thank God for the flexibility of substitute teaching especially how it works with my grad class schedule. But grad classes are over...so this week was just lovely to relax, go to a coffee shop, watch a movie, read a book (or several), try new places, and meet new people. Some of my favorite new places to hang are BBP in University City with some of the most unique and fantastic burgers I've ever become acquainted with, the Memphis Taproom with it's rotating local on tap list, beer battered pickles (to die for...which is convenient bc they might kill ya), and smoked coconut & tofu club, and the Rocket Cat Cafe which from it's Shepard Fairey external mural, to it's bagels with homemade Apple Maple Ginger Cream Cheese (divine!), to solid coffee, & it's predominantly hipster, urban gentrified clientele...I think I've found a new love in Fishtown!

So, as I was ruminating on these things this morning before spending a half day with a great group of life skills students at the nearby elementary school, I was reminded and overjoyed at God's graciousness to me. I often overlook the moments that I have to just sit and reminisce over his goodness. He's provided affordable housing & transportation, a job that I love more each day, and good health. He's given me great and encouraging roommates, great friends that sharpen me continually, and an amazing body of believers in NE Philly that have truly become my family (away from family). He's blessed me with a great family that I love, would do anything for, and even thought they're far away that we can still be close.

And, if that wasn't enough...God's given me His Son, rescued me from my own self-induced damnation, given me a new heart to serve Him with, reconciled me to Himself, the Creator of the universe, and daily transforming me more and more into the image of His Son...I couldn't ask for more, but to be freshly affected by it and to be drenched in humility to worship Him all the more. So, as I sat in the Rocket Cat this morning...eating my bagel with apple maple ginger cream cheese and slowly sipping on a cup of java, I thanked God...as I wrote, I named ways He's shown Himself lately. As words of praise echoed in my earbuds, I sat in wonder of who He is. As I sat this evening with friends outside...grilling out, watching the Phils (squeak out a close (but authoritative) victory over those lowly Braves), and fellowshipping, I thanked God again for all His good gifts that we don't deserve, but are continually grateful for...He's definitely worthy of our praise!

Beauty in Letting Go...

2011-05-10T20:37:00.003-04:00

Beauty in Letting Go

Holding on to much, needing to relinquish my grip
On the things I can't control that grant me service with the lip
Dripping like pools of substance though empty to the draught
In the wind whispering echoes of engagement that come to naught

Seeking in self, falling in fear, drowning in despair
Knowing though not trusting like trying to grasp the air
Loosening grip as the Spirit beckons me come and drink
Life waters given as one leaves it all the brink

Running start, jumping and letting go, falling weightless
The wind rushing past jet streams of savory sweetness
Hands open, palms up, arms outstretched being overtaken
Arms of grace engulf, waves of mercy wash never shaken

Peace found in relinquishing the me that seeks to destroy
That sinking me holding on to self like a child with a toy
The Father's joys are greater to those whose hearts are his
Faith arouses the adopted's affections to resuscitating bliss

Beauty of Letting Go by Green Ordinance initially inspired this post. Honestly, I'd forgotten the song, but the song title had been ringing in my head the past couple of weeks. I love it because I am continually reminded of things that I can't control, but try to often (with disastrous results). God reminded me again how the new life in Him resuscitates the heart when it seems bleakest. Like Aron Ralston, it may take time, but some things need to be let go of. Reading 2 Corinthians 4 the other day just rocked my world. I love verses 16-18 because this passage shows the tendency to despair, the "seeming" reality of bad circumstances, the sanctifying grace in the process, the way to "not lose heart" by looking to the unseen, and the faith demanded by trusting in God is the only faith that's really legitimate. Love these verses...

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.(ESV)

Beauty of Letting Go by Green River Ordinance

Stand outside these city walls
And feel the forces swimming strong
You're bathed in starlight, pulled through ocean tide
It hits you here, tonight and

And you're falling out of all you were
And you're finding out the beauty of letting go

Spend our whole life stuck in alright
Me, I've been there, sung that song before
Don't let your smile turn with the tide
You'll shine again, you're soon to find

That you're falling out of all you were
And you're finding out the beauty of letting go
And you're falling out of all you were
And you're finding out the beauty of letting go

You're waiting for the right time, waiting for the right time
Oh, you're waiting for the right time, waiting for the right time
Oh, you're waiting for the right time, waiting for the right time
Oh, you're waiting for the right time, right time, now

Oh, you're waiting for the right time, stop waiting for the right time
Oh, whoa, you're waiting for the right time, stop waiting for the right time
Oh, whoa, you're waiting for the right time, stop waiting for the right time
Oh, you're waiting for the right time

A Love/Hate Relationship

2011-04-30T17:45:00.004-04:00

Prologue:
I wrote this entry...then a friend tweeted this quote by Tim Keller "Do you think the opposite of love is hate? No! The opposite of love is fear...fear is self-centered. Love is self-giving." So, for sake of time, it would be more apropo to substitute most of the "hate" with "fear"...maybe...you'll get the idea (when I don't love, I'm self-absorbed and often act out of fear). Now, on to the original entry:

Grad school,

goodbyes,

my students at times,

this blog,

what are things I have a love/hate relationship with...ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!

What's crazy is I originally had God on this list but took Him off. Why? To save face for those out in the interweb. To not admit that I may not say it, but live as if I "feel an extreme aversion for"...thank you Dictionary.com. I love God, but at times I don't live like I do...I hate that about me!

I love grad school. Overall, I enjoy my profs. I've made good friendships and have built on old ones. I usually don't mind the work, but I've been relatively apathetic this semester (and it's shown at times...to me at least). I've always been the perfectionist when it came to school work, but that's taken a back seat recently to procrastinating on grad work...I hate that about me. I've counted it up and this week alone I've spent over 30hours on grad projects, papers, article/journal reviews, etc. for projects that are due...this week (and one big final project due next Wednesday). I've spent most of a gorgeous spring Saturday finishing up that one, big final project...I hate procrastinating. It reminds me that I'm human. It reminds me that I'm selfish. It reminds me that I'm not ambitious like I was before.

I hate goodbyes. I've thought a lot about my dad this week...cried a couple of times because I'd like to talk with Him and can't...mainly because He just listened. He never judged or held me in contempt. He would often question, but He did it because he cared and I knew he did. He was straight with me..especially the last couple of years of His life, and it pains me that He's not here anymore. Today, I drank several cups of tea from the moose mug that I got Him several years ago in MT (and found sifting through his belongings after the funeral...it's my new favorite). But, I love that He's been united with His God...there's hope in Christ's death & resurrection. I love that.

Sometimes, I can't stand relationships...the one's with the ladies that is (I know that this wasn't one, but it's been on my mind). I love the newness of them...the getting to know somebody, their likes/dislikes, their quirks, dreams, aspirations, the quality time when quantity is not an option. I love the growth of them...the learning how to manage time, wanting to share more, learning to trust somebody else with my affections, learning to truly love, not being scared to let somebody love you back & gladly letting your heart be pulled at it's strings by another person.

But, I hate:

"I'm just not that into you's",

"I need to break up with you's", and

"you'll find somebody else's".

I'm not a big fan of giving so much of myself for it not to be ultimately reciprocated. I love the risk of putting myself out there...but hate the rejection that's come from it so far. I hate myself for being so willing to trust, but I think it's also one of my best qualities (and I'm grateful to God for that). I love that my initial reaction to the breakup was so healthy knowing that God allowed it to happen for his purposes and glory, and even though it didn't go the way I thought it would...I was okay because I knew God was worthy to be trusted. I hate that my trust in God's timing, purposes, and direction in that area was short lived. It almost seems like my trust in His purposes was a facade because I really wasn't okay with it...still am not. I've wrestled with God a lot about it over the past couple of months. I've questioned and doubted and overthought and questioned again.

Recently, I came to the end of myself...again. I thank God for His pursuance of me. I don't know what I'd do without it. A friend said this the day after she broke up me...I think it was meant to be a comfort, but at the time it didn't mean that to me. Of a recent relationship of his that ended he said, "I had to realize that what it all boils down to is she didn't like me for me." When it comes down to it, relationships are a preference...they really are. I may say I love you, but that love is a choice. I prefer vanilla over chocolate ice cream. Now, that doesn't mean I don't have chocolate every so often, but when it comes down to an ultimate choice I have to go with my gut. She did and has moved on. I needed to. Now, what in the world does "moving on" look like? I don't think it means finding somebody else...now, statistically speaking I have a 90% chance of getting married someday (so I will "move on" with someone someday). I think it starts with being content with where God has me and with who He's making me to be.

I've struggled to trust Him, but in the last couple of weeks He's brought me back around. I still doubt at times...I hate that about me. But, I know that my relationship with Him is not built on what I do or who I am, but what Christ did for me & who He says I am. So, I will question...I will doubt. I will wonder what could of been...there will be "baggage" of sorts because you carry those feelings, expectations, and hurts with you (how you let them affect you and another person makes all the difference). I hope that I'll be willing able to share feelings...just not early on...pretty sure I scared the last one away with this. It's funny...because I think she thought I was farther along then her, but in reality I wasn't. I liked her and I wanted to pursue her toward the end result of marriage, but I was not in a rush. It's funny how a lack of proper communication of feelings/perceptions of one another can make people anxious/afraid so they'll flee rather than talk about them. I wish she could have seen me for me rather than her perception of me...ah well. I still miss her...some days more than others. I still pray for her often, and will continue for a while I'm sure. It is hard to stop caring when you love someone. This may sound crazy, but I would still take her back in a heartbeat if she wanted...I'm not sure if I love or hate that about me. I may not want to move on, but I need to.

So, I'll continue to move on...not in my own strength, but trusting in the Father's. Someday, I may find somebody who will love the Father more than me, love people, love the church, give of herself to see others find joy in the Savior, care for the little ones like Christ did, and it'd be nice if this one liked me for me and not just the "idea of me". So, I'm thankful for the Spirit's continual prodding of my heart to make me discontent with my discontent. I'm thankful for the relationships that I do have, and the people God's placed in my life. I'm thankful for my family who loves me no matter what (just wished they lived closer). I'm thankful for the dating relationship that I did have for those few months...she brought me so much joy, God brought me closer to Him, and He's showing me so much more about Himself through it all and made me love Him more for it (that's all I could have ever asked for). I'm also thankful that eharmony doesn't get rid of your info once you close out an account...definitely saved me some time in not having to set up a new profile :)

Countdown to Good Friday - Part Sei (A Good Friday Indeed)

2011-04-22T17:35:00.002-04:00

Spending the day reading, meditating, and reveling the gospel...a good Friday indeed. What that day must have been like almost 2,000yrs ago? What people thought about Jesus? What people went about their "everyday" lives hardly taking notice of the commotion? What people couldn't be bothered by what was going on in the city that day? What people thought when going to market that morning finding hoards of people transfixed on one man carrying his cross of execution through the winding streets? What people were inconvenienced in their daily lives by Jesus that day?

It makes me ponder and reflect on how people view Christ today. "Oh, He's a good guy", "He taught people how to show love and care then people killed Him for it", or "He had a good message, but He wasn't God". Oh God, how much they doubted then...how much more they doubt now. God, open the eyes of people today and bring them to you! Enlighten the eyes, melt the hearts of stone, and draw masses of people to you today. This weekend, the world looks toward the Christian church. Some people get days off work, tv and radio news give brief descriptions of today's happenings, and many people actually darken the doors of local churches.

Oh, God that you would be made much of. Help people to see why today is such a "Good" day! God bring many people to yourself in this city. Use your word to impact hearts in Philadelphia. Use the mobility of your saints in the Northeast to bring people to commune with your church today and Sunday.

Reflecting on the reading for tonight's service, working on intonation of the words for a public gathering, and becoming freshly affected by the words of the prophet in the Old Testament. God gave Isaiah many glimpses of what is and what is to come, and his words resonate the tragedy that was Christ's unlawful treatment and the beauty of the Father's purpose in "crushing His Son".

3 He was despised and rejected by men;
a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief;
and as one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

4 Surely he has borne our griefs
and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
smitten by God, and afflicted.
5 But he was wounded for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his stripes we are healed.
6 All we like sheep have gone astray;
we have turned—every one—to his own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

7 He was oppressed, and he was afflicted,
yet he opened not his mouth;
like a lamb that is led to the slaughter,
and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent,
so he opened not his mouth.
8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away;
and as for his generation, who considered
that he was cut off out of the land of the living,
stricken for the transgression of my people?
9 And they made his grave with the wicked
and with a rich man in his death,
although he had done no violence,
and there was no deceit in his mouth.

10 Yet it was the will of the Lord to crush him;
he has put him to grief;
when his soul makes an offering for guilt,
he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days;
the will of the Lord shall prosper in his hand.

Now, I'd encourage you to read it again or if you're like me sometimes with blogs and you tend to skim/skip scripture passages, read it...really read it. Don't let the words become too familiar. Yea, you might have heard it before, but take it in, drink it in, and don't leave this page unaffected by truth.

Now that you've read it...or read it again. I'd encourage you to pray. Pray for God to help you see Christ as the all-satisfying atonement for your sin. Pray for God to melt you heart to be freshly affected by the truth of the gospel today. Pray for yourself to not be made much of today, but God. Pray for God to remind you throughout today of what He's done for you, and how that should not only affect you, but how you interact with e-v-e-r-y one around you. Pray for God to open eyes and bring people to himself. Pray for local churches around the world that they would proclaim the truth of the gospel today and this weekend.

Now take a minute...read the passage again. No, I'm serious...it's only eight verses...how much of your time could it really eat up? You're probably going to waste 60 seconds messing around with your favorite app later today anyway...so take a moment to pause, reflect, and thank God for the greatest news that you could ever be given. There's hope for sinful people like you...thank God for that. There's hope for that sinful person that you think is outside of grace...thank God for that. There's hope to live out our days in light of Christ's once-for-all atoning sacrifice...oh, thank God with me for that!

I've been long-winded, but thank God for long-windedness over grace. Here's a great song we sang a couple of weeks ago at Grace & are singing on Sunday too. He truly is the Saving One...from sin and self when we are least deserving of it. Oh, and CRANK THIS BABY UP!!

Countdown to Good Friday - Part Five (Sufficiency in the Sacrifice)

2011-04-21T09:28:00.002-04:00

Reminded last night of the freedom that comes from transparency, the care that comes from community, and the comfort that comes from the Savior. Last night in care group, I was graciously prompted by the Spirit to share where I'm struggling...have been struggling for the past few months to rest, trust, revel, and rejoice in God. I've been despondent, depressed, weary, confused, and apathetic at best. A blue funk of sorts with heaps of self-pity and downheartedness seemed my lot. I have been cast down not believing "that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living!" (Ps. 27:13).

Doing so much in my own strength and not resting in the sufficiency of Christ. Trusting in myself to do it all...pulling myself up by my proverbial bootstraps. I've seen how miserable it can be to try to do it on my own. Confessing this complacency last night was a step. Many days it's felt like one step forward and two steps back. Why can I not seem to move on, make progress, or be satisfied in Christ alone?

Working with Grace4Kids, I hadn't heard Dan's message on Sunday, but listening to it this morning my heart was racked by my propensity to be self-sufficient. From Mark 6, Jesus gives us a perfect picture of one deriving His sufficiency from the Father. If anyone had the right to be self-sufficient, Christ did. But, He chooses to succumb to the will of the Father every time. The disciples are on the sea fighting a nasty wind, and Jesus who stayed behind to pray walks on the water to pass by them. The disciples freak out...they don't get it...they don't cry out to God, but are terrified. The disciples' "assumed self-sufficiency has shown itself to be insufficient, and they are hard-hearted. They are blind to the fact that grace, power, and enablement has undeservedly come to them in Jesus. Oh, they obey him. They move at his bidding, but their self-sufficiency blinds them to see their need for His divine grace, His divine help."

I've been putting my head down and plowing ahead through difficult times. His sufficiency is often shown in my weakness, but am I seeing that? Situations caused me to doubt where my source of hope in painful situations lies. The message continued and rocked me harder

"So, where are you at in the midst of the difficulties of your life? Are you putting those self-protected strategies into place? Are you reclining back in your security bubble? Know this, we were never created to live this life alone. We need a Savior. And thankfully, God has not left us alone. He has sent Jesus, His Son, to enter our world to identify with our weakness and endure weakness. His Son endured the ultimate suffering so that in our suffering we are not alone. Suffering and difficulty become now the occasion for Christ to be made great in our lives as His sufficiency is put on display through the weakness of our lives. This means that obedience to Jesus might result in suffering, yes. In other words, God may not release you or relieve you from suffering, but he will refine you in the midst of it. He will exercise your faith to rest in his all-sufficient grace. Suffering is not a lose-lose situation. It's a win-win situation with Jesus."

I could type out the rest because it was so apt and weighty on my heart. Christ is all-sufficient so why am I trying to do it on my own? Why am I not seeing Christ? Because, my eyes are focused on my circumstances. My heart is set on "what I need to do" to get over pain and hurt. God solved my hurt problem at the cross. He took all pain and discomfort and sin and heartache laying it on His shoulders to obey the will of the Father. God, as tears fall on my keyboard, let me not leave this moment unchanged. Make your self great to me today. Remind me of what you showed me in Scripture yesterday morning in Ephesians 1:3-14. Lord, I'm struggling to believe it...help my unbelief

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory."

Countdown to Good Friday - Part Quad (Were You There)

2011-04-20T11:48:00.001-04:00

Reminded today of the gravity of my helpless plight. My sin and it's culmination of utter damnation was removed by the Father through the Son's atonement. Thank God for the crushing of His Son to fulfill the will of the Father. Here's a good reminder by Shai Linne from his Atonement album called "Were You There?"

This story starts at the climax, we find that time's lapsed- don't mind that
It's kind of like a night cap filled with divine acts
We zoom in the lens on Christ's agony on the garden
Doomed for His friends- His tragedy for our pardon
Foreseeing the Father's cup of wrath has Him stifled and weak
He's sweating blood with His disciples asleep
The Prince of Peace knows the beef shall increase
Since the thief approaches with the soldiers and the chief priests
His arrest is not just- neither is the trial
While Jesus is being treated foul, He sees Peter's denial
He's sent to Pilate, to Herod, back to Pilate
The violence of humanity at its finest

So now He stands before the crowd doomed to die
An angry mob who's yelling out "crucify"
The way they treat the Lord of glory is debased and it's foul
But you miss the point if you don't see your face in the crowd

Were you there when they crucified my Lord?
Were you there? Were you there? (4x)
Man, sometimes it causes me to tremble
Yo, sometimes it causes me to tremble

This story starts at the climax, we find that time's lapsed- don't mind that
It's kind of like a night cap filled with divine acts
We zoom in the lens on Christ's agony in the garden
Doomed for His friends- it had to be for the pardon
And delivery from misery of kids who speak wickedly
Sinfully, inwardly slick with the iniquity
We see disciples sleep and mock today with a lot to say
But we do the same thing when we don't watch and pray
Like Judas, we sell Christ out to get the treasure
Whether it's the cheddar or forbidden pleasure
Like the chief priests, we want Christ to surrender
But we want Him out the way when He doesn't fit our agenda
Like Peter, we have misplaced, fleshly confidence
But we'll deny the Lord when faced with deadly consequence
Like Herod, we're curious about Christ because He's famous
But we quickly get bored with Him when He doesn't entertain us
Like Pilate, we see Christ and find nothing wrong with Him
But when the world chooses the wicked, we go right along with them
Despite His kindness, we seek to do our Maker violence
The fallenness of humanity at its finest

So now He stands before the crowd doomed to die
An angry mob who's yelling out "crucify"
The way they treat the Lord of glory is debased and it's foul
But you miss the point if you don't see your face in the crowd
Were you there when they crucified my Lord?
Were you there? Were you there? (4x)
Man, sometimes it causes me to tremble
Yo, sometimes it causes me to tremble

This story starts at the climax, we find that time's lapsed- don't mind that
It's kind of like a night cap filled with divine acts
We zoom in the lens on Christ's agony on the garden
Doomed for His friends- His tragedy for our pardon
Foreseeing the Father's cup of wrath- it has Him stifled and weak
He's sweating blood with His disciples asleep
The Prince of Peace knows the beef shall increase
Since the thief approaches with the soldiers and the chief priests
His arrest is not just- neither is the trial
While Jesus is being treated foul, he sees Peter's denial
He's sent to Pilate, to Herod, back to Pilate
The violence of humanity at its finest
So now He stands before the crowd doomed to die
An angry mob who's yelling out "crucify"
The way we treat the Lord of glory is debased and it's foul
Ashamed, I bow because I see my face in the crowd

Countdown to Good Friday - Part Tres (Being the Gospel)

2011-04-19T22:56:00.001-04:00

Being the gospel...what does that look like on a Tuesday evening? What does it mean to love in word and deed during the Passion week? What does it mean to share and what constitutes a successful gospel conversation?

I could rack my brain about what that looks like, but I was reminded today that it's just being with people and sharing what's everything to me. When people ask what I do or who I am, I should echo Peter's exhortation to

"in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander."(1 Peter 3:15-16)

I can't handle people's perceptions but be faithful to what God is calling me to do. I love that people starts vs.15 by saying "in your hearts revere Christ as Lord". That's really it isn't it? If I'm not seeing Christ as Lord, I'm viewing something else as more important like people's perception of me. If I'm viewing my status as more important, I'm degrading the deity of Christ. But on the other hand if I'm with Peter and revering Christ as Lord in my heart then I'm not afraid to answer everyone who asks me about why I have hope in Christ.

I was reminded of that today when I was at Six Flags. I know...grad school is great because you get to pick your own ideas for field trips and take them! So, I had a few opportunities which I'm grateful for to share a little about this great hope that I have in me. To give reason for why I'm in Philly, why I'm in education, why I believe what I believe to 3 other classmates who were confined in a car during an hour-long trip...God is sovereign for these little opportunities to make Him great. Talking about sports and class stuff is great, but if I don't take those opportunities when they come then I'm saying Christ isn't Lord, that He isn't enough to take away their sin, and they don't need Him when they desperately do. Thank God for unsquandered opportunities.

Thank God for great coffee too and great conversation. One of my favorite new spots in the city is Mugshots in Fairmount Park across from Eastern State Penitentiary. They have a great selection of drinks and an array of organic, free-range chicken/turkey wraps, and homemade items. Seriously, I recommend the Capone wrap or original bagel with homemade veggie cream cheese w/a vanilla latte...divine! Loved getting to talk to other believers who came in tonight to have a bible study/resource night in seeing how they are perceived in the community and how they are reaching out. Great to see others having similar visions for their part of the city.

Another couple of good songs...take a listen!

He is Jesus (one of my all-time favs...He's a treasure surpassing all others and worthy to be shared with all!)

Made Us Alive (another Village Church one that's a great reminder of who we now are in Christ because of what He did for us!)

Countdown to Good Friday - Part Deux (Wondrous Love)

2011-04-18T23:34:00.001-04:00

Sometimes you just have to be reminded that Jesus covers our mistakes. Like accidentally deleting this post, then having blogger crash on me and thinking it was autosaved, and it wasn't. So, I'm grateful for the week off so I can spend time, reading about and reflecting on God's gracious gift, working on grad work, spending time with friends, and just taking in moments because that's all I have is this moment now. Grateful for friends who will shake off playoff hockey to play basketball for an hour. Grateful to God for the ability to run 4.5 miles on 4 different occasions in the past week...pretty sure that's the first time that's ever happened (and for YouVersion who updated their app to include vocal recordings of most of their English translations...it was a blessing during my 5mile run tonight (though I was slightly distracted by the Pacers as well:))

So, honestly I'm just thankful that God is greater than my sin, my failures, me. He loves and cares even when I'm a complete mess. He gives and gives though I could never repay Him nor would I try because that would be an afront to His free gift of grace. I could never earn it, and I'm grateful. I could never pay the debt, and I fall deeper into debt to grace each moment of each day.

I'm grateful for music that expresses my thoughts and feelings toward a great God. I'm grateful for churches (GBC being one of them) who write and make music that bottles those expressions of gratefulness and appreciation through various styles and forms. So, I'm going to be sharing this week some of my favorite songs relating to the awesome and awful torture of my God and King hoping you can rejoice with me.

From Mars Hill's Good Friday service last year, I love this rendition of a long-standing hymn which eminates the feelings and despair of a wretched and depraved soul who has nothing outside of the Wondrous Love of a Saviour.

What Wondrous Love is This?

And from The Village Church in Dallas...this just came out a few weeks ago, and I'm so grateful. I know that I'll be sharing more in the next few days because it's stellar in the truth expressed...enjoy!

In My Place

Countdown to Good Friday - Part 1 (G.O.S.P.E.L.)

2011-04-17T23:38:00.000-04:00

This week will be full and empty at the same time. I want to take time to reflect, meditate, and ask God to make the gospel more evident to me today. Reading through the gospel accounts leading up to Friday & Sunday allowing myself to become more aware of that gift. That gift that I often overlook or make to be smaller than it is.

Praying that God is more real to me in this moment than the last. Praying that the vision of Him would mean the death of myself. Thankful for the gift and thankful for the many ways to express that gift. Here's one that I've shared through different media.

Chasing the Wind

2011-04-16T11:26:00.002-04:00

sitting on the roof reading Ecclesiastes this morning, I was struck afresh with the brevity of this existence. Brevity that breathes passion; brevity that breeds reflection; brevity begetting levity. An "eat, drink, and be merry" attitude (1 Cor 15:32) that lives and dies in the moment. No thought for the future, no recognition of affections being set on things above, no cogitation of the finished work of Christ on the cross, and no consideration of the sealing work that the resurrection induces.

A realization of our finite existence can lead to a lascivious lifestyle. Outside of Christ, our life's are nothing more than, at best, meaningless attempts at fulfilling a higher purpose which are in reality engulfing waves of our inner self-gratification surrounded in a cloud of damning hedonism. Nothing without Christ; Everything in Christ.

Even in Christ, sometimes I see myself "chasing the wind". Seeking material over immaterial, the fleeting over the fulfilling, or momentary pleasure over "joy unspeakable and full of glory".

So, I'm freshly affected this morning by Solomon's words. There's definitely some slight hyperbole in his pen, but the gravity of the truth is unmistakable.

13 I applied my mind to study and to explore by wisdom all that is done under the heavens. What a heavy burden God has laid on mankind! 14 I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

15 What is crooked cannot be straightened;
what is lacking cannot be counted.

16 I said to myself, “Look, I have increased in wisdom more than anyone who has ruled over Jerusalem before me; I have experienced much of wisdom and knowledge.” 17 Then I applied myself to the understanding of wisdom, and also of madness and folly, but I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind.

18 For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief.

Ecc 1:13-18

I think I'll take a page from his book. We see it, we feel it, we know it, but often we don't live it. God has fashioned us, designed us, rescued us, and redeemed us for something greater. Words can't seem to express the enlightening graciously given by the Spirit and experienced this morning while moseying through the wisdom literature.

Coupled with this song by The Ember Days (which again providentially found today) that expresses the heart of the redeemed sinner who desires something more...something tangible...something out of his instinctive grasp...something divine.

"Chasing the Wind"

I’m discontent with chasing the wind
I want to feel more than air on my skin
Like the tide feelings come and go
Here today gone tomorrow

I want love, I want You
So take this beaten heart
And let it beat for You

I’m scared, yeah I’m scared
Only You know how I feel
When I say I don’t want to feel anything but love
True love, true love

Watch me bloom cause soon I’ll wither
But Your love lasts forever
Like the sun life is beautiful
When I rise and when I fall

Here we go again

2011-04-07T21:43:00.001-04:00

I started listening to Darrin Patrick after hearing him at PLANT! two weeks ago. I started reading "Church Planter: The Man, The Message, The Mission" a couple of days ago too. I started downloading the Journey podcast a while ago, but started listen to it last week. God has definitely used it to deconstruct & reconstruct my thinking. To continue to get my focus off myself and back on the Savior which leads to reaching people.

Which leads to another sermon that's smacked me upside the head. As I was running late last night, the next message in the "Darkness Into Light" series was entitled "Getting Your Eyes Off Yourself". I was familiar with the text when I saw it come up on the screen & kinda knew what I was in for...but not really. Grateful for God using men like Darrin to speak truth. Oh to God that I would be a conduit of grace & not a cul-de-sac of intake. Glad to know that I haven't arrived & God's still working to shape, refine, & redefine me.

Love this text...it hits home:

"So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men." (Phil 2:1-7)

Back to the Drawing Board

2011-04-05T22:38:00.001-04:00

Seriously, God continues to reach down deep to rip out the roots of who I am. It hurts, but it's a good pain. To be honest, it doesn't feel like it right now, but I know it will be.

So, in the area that I thought I was doing well...contentment...this rang true."Therefore, whoever thinks he stands must be careful not to fall!" (1 Cor. 10:12)

God was gracious to bring me across this message by Darrin Patrick...around minutes 28-31 were a huge smack in the face to where I'm at. And 34-38 are great reminders of who Christ is, and who I am in Him. Good stuff & grateful for the Spirit's purging today.

Fresh Affection Broods in an Evening Run.

2011-04-03T23:16:00.004-04:00

Halfway through my 2.5 mile run tonight on the all to familiar loop around my house, the rain starts. Providentially, my earbuds start ringing out "What can wash away my sin? Only the blood of Jesus. What can make me whole again? Only the blood of Jesus. Nothing can for sin atone. Only the blood of Jesus. Nothing good that I have done. Only the blood of Jesus. Oh Great God. Blessed Redeemer. Merciful Savior You are. Oh Great God. King of Creation. Hope of the Nations You are. This is all my hope and peace. Only the blood of Jesus. This is all my righteousness. Only the blood of Jesus."

As the rain falls around me like a wave rushing the shore, a fresh awareness of grace engulfs me. As the beat resounds in my ear while methodically my feet plod the pavement, my heart starts beating rapidly with a renewed vigor. God has a great purpose. For his kingdom, for the world, for this city, for me, and I'm here in this city and on this block because God providentially designed it for his glory and my good. Ian preached it this morning, but the realization didn't resonate until a few minutes ago. To reach the unreached, to live life where I'm at, and be/share the gospel with those around me...God is glorified in the going of his disciples whether or not anybody receives the message. Much to ponder, much to chew on and digest, a greater mission to respond to, and a great God to make much of.

Thankful

2011-04-03T17:50:00.003-04:00

Thankful for Love. Thankful for Grace. Thankful for Mercy that Lighted on My Face. Thankful for Herbert. Thankful for Poetry. Thankful for Piper who tweeted one of my favorites to remind me.

LOVE (III)
by George Herbert

Love bade me welcome, yet my soul drew back,
Guilty of dust and sin.
But quick-ey'd Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning
If I lack'd anything.

"A guest," I answer'd, "worthy to be here";
Love said, "You shall be he."
"I, the unkind, the ungrateful? ah my dear,
I cannot look on thee."
Love took my hand and smiling did reply,
"Who made the eyes but I?"

"Truth, Lord, but I have marr'd them; let my shame
Go where it doth deserve."
"And know you not," says Love, "who bore the blame?"
"My dear, then I will serve."
"You must sit down," says Love, "and taste my meat."
So I did sit and eat.

Thankful for George Herbert who was born on this day in 1593. Look up his works, and surely you will be blessed.

Sabbath Hopes

2011-04-03T09:38:00.000-04:00

I'm notoriously lazy on Sundays. Rarely do I ponder or reflect before a service. Sometimes I'll read, but my heart is not often bent toward the Spirit afterward. It's been a while since I've really chewed on and meditated on the Word before a Sunday worship service.

I was looking forward to two services at Grace for several reasons. God's growing and shaping the body, bringing people to Himself, and two services opens up opportunities to reach even more people with the gospel on a Sunday morning. Also, I was looking forward to more visitors coming especially at the later service...one of the main reasons I chose to start going to this service.

Knowing the procrastinating tendency of my heart, I knew an 11:30 start time would probably get me focused on the Savior, heart on the word and others, and affections bent toward service. Well, today's the first day of that and hopefully that'll be true.

So I'm hoping in God to be God today. To comfort, encourage, strengthen, convict, forgive, rejuvenate, and break through me to make much of Him.

Here's a new one from SGM's new album "Risen". Get it HERE for $5 until April 15th.

Progress However Slow is Still Progress...

2011-03-27T21:40:00.001-04:00

I've battled with self-righteousness for years. I've often thought that my status with God is based on my behavior. If I do good, God will bless. If I'm not being blessed, then I must be doing something to displease God. So, I've treated my relationship with God like a wheel of samsara in which all my actions determine a equal yet deserving karmic effect.

I don't espouse the Hindi beliefs of karma and the four-fold Buddhist path of suffering, yet I've often lived that way. I've been the elder brother in Luke 15 that refuses to go into the party to celebrate my younger, no longer prodigal brother's return. I think my father has held something back from me. He's not blessing me though I've kept all his rules, been there when my pagan brother wasn't, suffered from the loss of inheritance squandered by said brother, and like I said "kept all his rules". Where's my party? Where's my blessing? What haven't I done to please the father that he would give to the undeserving son and not the faithful one?

I look for opportunities to control my environment and how the father should treat me instead of just enjoying the opportunity that I have to be with the father. I squander precious moments worrying over what will be and how I can get, get, get from the father for my own gain instead of relishing the Father's presence with no regard for what I might get.

The last couple of months have been a scouring time of oftentimes rough, abrasive treatments. Every time that I think I'm making headway, and I've been given clarity on a situation then I get proud. Every time that I ignore issues, problems, pressing thoughts and sweep them under the proverbial rug then I fear, worry, and panic. I call out in distress, but often just to alleviate the pain not to receive peace from the father. I'm overly concerned with what isn't, what might be, and how to achieve my end goals that I destroy any semblance of trust, faith, or obedience to Christ.

I've quenched the Holy Spirit; I've ignored people; I've not cherished the gospel or preached it to myself regularly; I've been angry and frustrated with myself and reveled in guilt and shame recently like a warm blanket; I've doubted God's goodness on many occasions; I've looked to my own devices, been blinded by the deceitfulness of my heart, and wanted my way above all else; I've run from problems; I've run from responsibility; I've been running from God.

I try to put on a brave face and act like everything is okay. I've said that it is on innumerable occasions. I keep putting up a facade. I put up a barrier between myself and others for fear of them knowing me for me. I'll just get rejected again. Honestly, I don't think I can bear the weight of that again.

So, how is there progress? What have I learned in the last couple of weeks? What evidences of change and growth is the Spirit showing me?

Less petitioning God for wants and needs...more gratefulness, casting cares, praising, recognition of His grace. I see myself praying more...praying for my kids (even in the moment when Jean is running the opposite way down the hallway); every new coffee shop I've visited recently (5 new ones in the last 2-3 weeks) God's prompted me to pray for the barista, the patrons...and actually engage in meaningful conversation with both (I know...for me it's unusual, but it has to be grace...it has to be him because it's not my usual introverted, awkward self); I've been finding it easier to just be with people, learn their stories, pray with them (because I'm not concerned with their perception of me...it's their perception of Christ in me that makes all the difference...weird that I'm just figuring this out); I've even shared the gospel with a Jehovah's Witness (granted, I had hit him (his car) with my car a couple of weeks earlier...which is a whole 'nother story).

I'm not so much concerned about "getting it right" or making all the "right decisions" because I've got to control my own environment. I can just be, breath, take in moments, turn a 9 minute drive in the morning to work into a 30 minute prayer stroll, sit on the roof of my row home look out on the Frankford area and pray for the gospel to disturb this area as only it can, run more, take more pictures, draw more, insatiably read, I dance a lot more (and I danced a lot before...not good mind you ;), engaging people more, sing more (not sappy break-up songs that were prevalent a month ago)..sing more about the Father & what Christ's sacrifice has done & is doing, write more, write poetry more, write commentaries on the scripture I read, meditate on the word...really chew on it, cherish God's people and tell them that, share what's on my heart and share what God's doing, open up my heart to people more and allow God to change my recent propensity to hold back for fear of rejection.

This progress is real slow, but I think that's the way God wants it. Too fast, and I'd expect too much probably thinking that I had something to do with it. Slow enough to daily trust that I can't do it; Slow enough to savor moments; Slow enough to realize grace covers shame; Slow enough to cast my cares and not get overwhelmed; Slow enough to not drown in guilt; Slow enough to cherish the gospel and it's moment by moment transforming implications to my life...just slow.

What Wondrous Love is This!

2011-03-15T15:43:00.005-04:00

I love this video and not just because it includes three of my favorites: Chandler, CJ, & Phil Wickham. But the truth that they are speaking and singing about the unfailing, unchanging, unwavering, all-satisfying love of God that pursues & chases a debased and wretched sinner like me...this truth is shocking & overwhelming. What wondrous love is this...oh, my soul...Oh My Soul!

Thanks to BD for posting this on fb.

Seriously, check out bball1989's other similar videos on youtube. They are some of my favorites recently & definitely worth your time:

Crowder, Chandler, & Piper;

Piper, Needham, & Driscoll;

Tenth Avenue North, Driscoll, & Chandler;

Driscoll, Keyes, & Piper;

Shane & Shane and Chandler;

Chandler & Maher

Here's a thought...It's not about you :)

2011-03-13T09:18:00.002-04:00

God used this about a week or so ago to challenge my thinking and transform my view on fighting sin. I got The Pursuit of Holiness by Jerry Bridges on audiobook free from christianaudio.com in January and am greatly enjoying it so far. This month's free download is The Holiness of God by Sproul. I'm noticing a trend and am glad for it because I feel that I lack wisdom of God's Holiness. I need to be reminded afresh of who He is and who I am in light of that fact.

Because of that, I'm putting in a lengthy section from the first chapter of The Pursuit of Holiness that God used in my reading and letting it speak for itself. Notice the great reminder that sanctification like salvation is all about God. You can read the entire chapter for free at B&N.com.

"Our first problem is that our attitude toward sin is more self-centered than God-centered. We are more concerned about our own "victory" over sin than we are about the fact that our sins grieve the heart of God. We cannot tolerate failure in our struggle with sin chiefly because we are success-oriented, not because we know it is offensive to God.

W. S. Plumer said, "We never see sin aright until we see it as against God.... All sin is against God in this sense: that it is His law that is broken, His authority that is despised, His government that is set at naught.... Pharaoh and Balaam, Saul and Judas each said, 'I have sinned'; but the returning prodigal said, 'I have sinned against heaven and before thee'; and David said, 'Against Thee, Thee only have I sinned.'"

God wants us to walk in obedience-not victory. Obedience is oriented toward God; victory is oriented toward self. This may seem to be merely splitting hairs over semantics, but there is a subtle, self-centered attitude at the root of many of our difficulties with sin. Until we face this attitude and deal with it we will not consistently walk in holiness.

This is not to say God doesn't want us to experience victory, but rather to emphasize that victory is a byproduct of obedience. As we concentrate on living an obedient, holy life, we will certainly experience the joy of victory over sin."

Though the fig tree should not blossom...yet I will rejoice in the Lord"

2011-02-28T22:46:00.005-05:00

Right now, I'm loving the penetrating movement of the Holy Spirit. Every day brings new challenges, and every day I'm reminded more and more of His chiseling work.

Whether it's playing basketball for a couple of hours and realizing quickly that I'm not where I should be physically (but He's doing a work & there's progress). Sometimes it's standing on the sidelines, and Ian drops Habakkuk 3 on me...that's some heavy stuff when your waiting for your game to start, but it was apt and beneficial. Habakkuk 3: 17-19

"Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's;
he makes me tread on my high places."

Sometimes when there's no fruit/progress, and you're in a seemingly "deserted" place in life, rejoice! Take joy in God who gives strength & rejuvenates.

Sometimes it's talking with a friend after lunch yesterday, and they're challenging the things I'm holding on to as idols. I know it's true because my flesh is warring in me as they're saying it. Some things desperately need to be let go because the preoccupation & lingering thoughts are damaging my relationship with God. Sometimes it's okay not to know the answers to questions and trust (a common theme over the past few weeks, but coming up again because I needed it...again).

And providentially, I came home after basketball tonight to read Habakkuk and in vs 18-20 of Chapter 2, the establishing of idols is warned against because of the selfish ambition of the idol-creator and how much of an affront that is to the Lord who "is in His holy temple."

Sometimes it's the growth that comes from changing care groups. The group that I've come to know, love, trust, and open up to for the past two years split up this past week. I know God is using this change to me more into His image and give more opportunities to reach into others lives. I'm grateful for the grace and strength to honestly be okay with the split. Thankful for the two years sharing much with a great group of people and anticipating great things that God has planned with this "new" group of like-minded believers. I love that God is growing Grace Bible Church, leading more people to becoming involved in community to force group splits, bringing more "locals" to hear the gospel and see it in other's lives, transitioning the church body to two Sunday services, and loving to see God use the opportunity to make His name great, strengthen His church, and draw us to greater understanding of His mission for us in Philly.

I can't leave without a song, and I'm falling in love very quickly with "Jars of Clay Presents The Shelter". I may write an entry for each song they've been such a blessing so far. My favorite as of now is based off Psalm 27 called "Run in the Night". I love the imagery of running to the Father in the "night" of the soul. He's the one who found us first, seizes us with His perfection, calls us beloved, won't condemn us, and spreads peace...and by him, we have a shelter and cover to run to in the night.

"Run In The Night (Psalm 27)"

I know who I am
Once I was nameless, alone and You found me
You formed my knees to bend
You called me beloved
I am perfection

All my failures won't condemn me
Or leave me paralyzed and bound
And when I'm at my worst
Your love, it finds me first
By You I can run in the night
For by You I can run in the night

For I am such a man
Seized by the power of a great perfection
No matter where I am
Peace spreads below me in every direction

When evil sets the war upon me
I won't stumble, I won't fall
And though they do their worst
Your love has found me first
For by You I can run in the night
For by You I can run in the night
For by You I can run in the night

Hide me in the shelter of...
Keep me in the cover of...
Lead me in the light of Your love
Hide me in the light of Your love

For by You I can run in the night
For by You I can run in the night
For by You I can run in the night
For by You I can run in the night

Adele-ight to the Senses

2011-02-26T17:35:00.001-05:00

Just got Adele's new album 21 the other day on Itunes...wow, wow. All songs written from a recent break-up for her...speaking volumes to me as well. Probably my favorite female set of pipes...she brings it and thought I'd share a breath of common grace this morning & songs representing the path of growh...So many of the lyrics screech out my healing heart...the hurt, the gains, the regrets, the what ifs, and the what might have beens, and the wishes for the best for the person..enjoy!

Don't You Remember

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?
I often think about where I went wrong,
The more I do, the less I know,

Gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
And hope that you find the missing piece,
To bring you back to me,

Take It All

Didn't I give it all?
Tried my best
Gave you everything I had
Everything and no less
Didn't I do it right
Did I let you down

Maybe you got too used to
By having me around
Still how can you walk away
From all my tears.
It's gonna be an empty road
Without me right here

[Chorus]
But go on and take it
Take it all with you
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool
Just take it all
With my love
Take it all
With my love

Maybe I should leave
To have you see
Nothing is better than this
And this is everything we need
So is it over?
Is this really you've given up so easily?
I thought you loved me more than this

I would change if I must
Slow it down and bring it home
I will adjust.
Oh if only, if only you knew
Everything I do
Is for you

Rolling In The Deep

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
And you played it to the beat

Set Fire To The Rain

I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell, you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet

I set fire to the rain
And I feel lost into the flames
And it felt something dark
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time!

Someone Like You

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me I beg
I remember you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
And memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet
This would taste?

I'll Be Waiting (sadly, couldn't find a video...but the lyrics speak for themselves)

Hold me closer one more time,
Say that you love me in your last goodbye,
Please forgive me for my sins,
Yes, I swam dirty waters,
But you pushed me in,
I've seen your face under every sky,
Over every border and on every line,
You know my heart more than I do,
We were the greatest, me and you,

But we had time against us,
And miles between us,
The heavens cried,
I know I left you speechless,
But now the sky has cleared and it's blue,
And I see my future in you,

I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again,
I put my hands up,
I'll do everything different,
I'll be better to you,
I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again,
I put my hands up,
I'll be somebody different,
I'll be better to you,

Victory

2011-02-26T10:31:00.000-05:00

This desire to want a better state to be in...it's an long & arduous road.
Love the imagery of this song...and TBT's musical prowess...folk/bluegrass
is gradually become a strong favorite of mine.

All of us lonely, it aint a sin
to want something better, then the shape your in
the rain came at the break of day
your light in the windowpane, said come on in

Its a broken heart babe, i know the sound
Feels like your hands, are nailed to the ground
but it'll pass just like everything else
you won't let it get to me, the next time around

Its a hard earn victory
The life that come from you to me
can never be wrong

Grown from a moment and a million miles
here lies the stardust and it slowly dies
borrowed from nothing come back half alive
and the stars the whisper blessings as you walk by

by Trampled By Turtles

There's a Purpose...

2011-02-26T08:06:00.000-05:00

"Once you begin to see God's hand in your life, you will know that his workmanship within you and through you was tailor-made, just for you. His design for your life pulls together every thread of your existence into a magnificent work of art. Every thread matters and has a specific purpose." - Ravi Zacharias, from The Grand Weaver

My present circumstance is part of God's design to test not tempt, glorify not guilt, strengthen not weaken, sanctify not sin, commune with not abandon, praise not doubt, find joy in suffering not wallow in self-pity...God, help me to see your working something out later...and now!

There's a reason for the feelings of hurt, pain, rejection, abandonment, humiliation, loss, filth, heaviness, despair...help me to see you're a "refuge...and an ever-present help in trouble" (Ps. 46:1; NIV). Though my mind wanders and my heart continues to break, help me to see you as alive and present to help. I don't know why things happen the way they do, but I know you are the high fortress to run to in distress.

I get a card the other day. I appreciate it...it's sweet, but is there something else to it? Most likely not, but sadly my feeble mind still contemplates the "what might have been". Grand design...greater purpose...created in Christ Jesus...finishing a great work...THERE IS A PURPOSE for loss...still learning to say goodbye. Praying truly for her this morning with no ulterior motives of reconciliation...God this already shows that you're greater than my circumstances. You will continue to grow & strengthen beyond what I think is possible!

Breakthrough

2011-02-25T00:03:00.009-05:00

Definition of BREAKTHROUGH
1: an offensive thrust that penetrates and carries beyond a defensive line in warfare
2: an act or instance of breaking through an obstacle
3 a : a sudden advance especially in knowledge or technique
b : a person's first notable success
from Merriam-Webster.com

Sometimes we are privy to epiphanies or "breakthroughs" and don't realize it. I was made well aware by the convicting of the Holy Spirit tonight of what he was starting to do in my own life. I love the first definition because this feels like the "offensive thrust" of the Holy Spirit is barreling through the "defensive line" of my sin, flesh, the hardness of my heart, past shame/guilt, recent situations/circumstances, and everything I've held onto for so long. I'm reminded tonight of the grace given by God to make the struggle evident. He's showing me the ways I've used shame to justify actions, sin against others, and use past situations to affect present circumstances.

In Group Redemption tonight, Dan went over the guilt and shame and how they both play a part in substance/drug abuse & addictions in general. The message is key to a believer's understanding of shame & it's proper place in our lives. He shared that shame is "related to who I am" and guilt is "related to what I've done". The next part was the central focus of the session & key component in the Holy Spirit breaking through the "obstacles" and leading to a "sudden advance in knowledge" for me.

This chart was presented (sorry for the somewhat blurriness...I tried to make it as legible as possible) listing who I am because of shame (something placed on me). These shameful experiences could be a loss of a job, loss of a loved one/relationship, abuse, depression, rape/racism, divorce, failure of a loved one, etc. That column is then contrasted with the next one (my favorite) who I am in/because of Christ which leads to the benefits given to the believer because of Christ.

I was taking an inventory of my life (past/present) and was seeing over and over the instances where I let shame cripple, paralyze, and lead to sin. For as long as I can remember, I've desired to be accepted...to feel like I belonged, but also to be liked. From wanting my dad's approval growing up and not always getting it, to desiring my older brother's acceptance and not getting it in high school, to pursuing relationships with the opposite sex to be liked, to even choosing a group of believers to spend time in community with, and wanting to be accepted in an occupation/ministry by the people I work with. Sometimes, this desire is a "silent" one and sometimes very vocal. God started chipping away at the core of who I am tonight. I garner the acceptance of others to be used later to my advantage. I try hard to "be something" to gain my dad's approval. I work towards "being cool" so my brother would accept me. I try to "be who she wants me to be" to gain her affection/approval. I sometimes attempt to be "more spiritual" or "say the right Christian lingo" to be more accepted in a community of believers. And, I participate in office gossip/idle speech to gain the approval of peers.

This one area is barely scratching the surface of who I am. It's one are, but one for further discussion/contemplation. That even though I often feel rejected because I don't get the approval of others, I have "fellowship with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ" (I John 1:3 ESV). I don't have to be wrapped up in the approval of others and crippled in fear of their opinion because I have the amazing opportunity to enjoy fellowship with the God of the universe. This realization is staggering...it causes me to acknowledge my unworthiness & tread softly in awe of who He is & this great opportunity to come boldly to Him. I'm an adopted child bought by the blood of Christ to not live as an "alien" to His favor, but as one who is no longer condemned by the weight of his sin.

God knows me all to well. He knows my heart, my fears, my failures, and my tendencies. He knows I struggle...He knows I'm weak...He knows I've doubted His kindness today. But because of His Son, HE ACCEPTS ME...and is changing me. I don't have to be paralyzed by my past, doubting in the present, and hesitant about the future. He'll continue to walk me through these things to realize that my past has been paid for by the Son, my present is saturated with the Holy Spirit's guidance through the Word, and my future hope is secure in a God whose promises are sure.

So, as I sat there after Group Redemption explaining to Dan & Will what God was doing and as the scales were lifted, I could be real and transparent as the Holy Spirit was knocking down my castle gate with the battering ram of His grace to show me my weakness and give me hope again. Breakthroughs are unnerving because of the "hugeness" of the issues presented, but exciting because it's evident to me that God is on the move in my life to continue to bring me to repentance and further obedience to make me holy like He's holy.

Into my sinfulness entered Your Holiness

2011-02-23T15:41:00.004-05:00

Sometimes we make decisions & instantly regret them. Sometimes we see a pattern of sin and personal condemnation that makes itself evident in one fell swoop. After a time away this weekend, I had the day off because of a 4 inch blizzard that came thundering into NE Philadelphia. I didn't have the time to read/reflect this weekend like I thought that I would. I didn't spend time yesterday in the Word and found myself in a dark place.

I was doubting & questioning like mad scribbling words & phrases bolded with continual pencil scratchings & wet with tears. Why did it seem the "good" was always out of reach? Why did it seem God wasn't listening? Why did it seem like I was digressing from what God had taught me just a few days prior?

So, I posted a good number of those questions here yesterday knowing full well that my heart was in a desolate place and not being led by the Spirit. I acted on impulse to fulfill a selfish desire to "lash out". Then, I went to class last night, and the topic was "Gender & Sexuality". I was convicted about how I view others, who God is, how God views me, & how I was viewing my situation. So, I came home & immediately deleted the post (something I've never done before). God was gracious to forgive my sin again and remind me of who He is and how He views me & my sin.

I've mentioned Jeremy Horn before, and God used this during my drive on my break to continue to convict/remind me of this same truth.

"Beautiful"
In Your kindness I find, a redemption that's mine
That I cannot explain
How Your love reaches down, through my shame and my doubt
Making my ugliness fade
When my life is a mess and Your righteousness is all I have
You're all I have

Only You can see my heart
Only You can know my heart
Only You can love my heart and say
You're still beautiful to Me

Only You can change my heart
Only You can touch my heart
Only You can clean my heart and say
You’re still beautiful to Me

Every sin leaves a grime, that will darken with time
That I cannot erase
Only You and Your blood, Your compassion Your love
Can make it all fade away

To all I, to all I am

And I will only love You
So write Your name on my heart God
Place Your seal upon me
Knowing my heart’s Yours, oh God

God You search me, God You love me, the way I am
And I am Beautiful
Because You’re Beautiful
You make things beautiful
You are beautiful

©2005 Jeremy Horn (BMI). Admin. by From the Grove Music

What If...

2011-02-22T00:35:00.008-05:00

Recently I've been asking myself a lot of questions...some deep, some shallow, some meaningful, some meaningless, some that have already been answered, some that will never be answered, some that may take time to be answered, some that I'm ashamed to even utter...

What if God never chose me? Would I possibly have understood grace, forgiveness, or love?

What if I sinned less? Would I appreciate God's mercy more or less?

Why does loss bring discontent? Will gain bring contentment?

Can I really continue to trust the unseen? Do I practically live as if I trust God works all things together for good to those who are his adopted children?

Why do flannel shirts feel fantastically warm? Why can't I wear flannel in the summer as well? Could I market sleeveless flannel shirts for the summer to be coupled with board shorts, cabana hats, & velcro sandals w/black socks? But seriously, what would it take to make shirts that feel as lovely as flannel, but wouldn't make you sweat in the summer?

What is it about hours sitting around snow-ridden campfires, 6 mile hikes through ice & snow, and 2 1/2 days of male bonding that brings such joy? Was it complete irony that caused me to tweak my ankle in the last .3 miles of our 6miles hike (on level ground no less...sheesh)?

Why do I struggle in conversation with people I don't know? Why can I seemingly only concentrate on one conversation at a time when I'm in big groups?

Why do I trust others so easily, but not trust myself at all? Why do I tend to give my heart away so easily? Am I a masochist for heartache? Did I really use the term "masochist" in two separate posts within the same week? Do I need a Word of the Day Calendar to extend my vocabulary so I don't overuse the terms in different posts?

Can God really be enough? Do I practically believe this truth? Why do I often put people and things above him? Why am I seemingly more concerned with other's opinions than His?

What is it like to be in the presence of the Father? Would God ever give me a "Moses" type moment of showing me His glory? What does a future, resurrected body look like?

Am I were I should be or want to be in life, education, community? Am I truly content with where God has me now? How can I reconcile this struggle with contentment with a high view of God? What does this struggle say about how I view God? Why do I have this tertiary desire to disappear...to get away? Should I have taken that job as a park ranger in Whitefish, MT? Do I look good in olive & tan? Could I pull off a campaign hat?

Becoming a child with a burning heart...and by burning heart I don't mean susceptible to bouts of dyspepsia.

2011-02-18T22:15:00.006-05:00

It seems like the same lesson is getting hammered in this week. But at times, I just need a refreshing reminder of an awesome truth. I know the word "awesome" is widely overused (including by me), but it's fitting. I was rereading Tozer's Pursuit of God earlier today...seriously, I think we're almost on double digits with this booklet, but it's weighty every time. So much highlighting in this thing & even more highlighting & notes today :)

That God so graciously sought me out when I was most unworthy is uncomprehensible. That He continues to pursue & spur me on to pursue Him back is mercy beyond my wildest imagination. Tozer so aptly describes the desire to pursue "To have found God and still to pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love scorned indeed by the too easily satisfied religionist, but justified in happy experience by the children of the burning heart." I find the longsuffering of God evident in allowing me to be a child that burns after Him...I can't explain it lately, but my passions so easily swayed recently have been anchored this whole time to the cornerstone which is Christ. I was wrestling through some things the other day, and starting to see myself discouraged when a friend so graciously said in passing "thank God that you're fighting it". He truly is benevolent to pursue me & prove a greater joy than what I think is best for me.

I'm amazed by the life of Moses in Exodus 33 when I just imagine the anguish & utterly dependent contrition when he exclaimed "Now therefore, if I have found favor in your sight, please show me now your ways, that I may know you in order to find favor in your sight." And when God grants his request...I love that Moses doesn't stop there, but continues to pursue God in saying "please show me your glory". It gives me chills to read that again...God that I would fight to know you. To trust your kindness to me in making me your own, that YOU ARE MAKING MY PATHS STRAIGHT when I stopping resting in me & lean on you! You would be ever faithful to incline your ear to my ramblings, groanings, and pleadings.

So what am I thankful for...He's given me a great family that loves and pursues Him. He's provided resources and opportunities for me to come in contact with people repeatedly over the last few weeks and opportunities to share the gospel (praying desperately for more), He was merciful to give my dad cancer and bring him back to the Father (sometimes we need a big push to pursue), that dad is rejoicing in the presence of the Savior now, He's been gracious to renew my love for teaching and placed me in a great school for the next week and a half. So much more, but I have a busy weekend ahead & need my beauty sleep (fyi, i will delete all comments mocking that phrase :)

Looking forward to a full weekend of solace, fresh air, and much exuberant male bonding...9 guys in a cabin in the woods with many much flannel wearing, beard toting (I've got quite the lumberjack look going...or Joaquin Phoenix as I've been told), grilling/drinking, hiking (sadly not much frozen waterfall climbing due to the recent heat wave), and I'm planning on much time to read, reflect, & continue to rest as I pursue my God...with several books in toe (always the case with me). My selections for the weekend are

Pursuit of God by Tozer
Meditations by Fenelon
What is the Gospel? by Gilbert
The Good News We Almost Forgot by DeYoung
Surprised by Hope by N.T. Wright
A Call to Die by Nasser
Digital Field Guide by J.D. Thomas (for my gently used, but newly acquired Nikon D80)

Hmmm...maybe I should bring a few more...jk. I may get to 1-2, but I'm (to a fault sometimes) always overprepared.

Wow, 6 posts in 6 days...didn't think I'd see the day...that'll end this weekend for sure. Listening to this a bit ago...love, love, love this truth.

Here's to Hoping that Spring will swap Snow for Leaves...

2011-02-17T14:07:00.003-05:00

Seriously...again. I'm learning to "consider it a great joy", but why am I surrounded by memories. She's several hundred miles away...yet, I'm continually reminded. Let me give the back story...so I had brought several cds when I visited around Thanksgiving for her to listen to (and made her a cd of some of my fav. Sovereign Grace songs). Music is a large part of my life...a significant way that I worship & meditate on God is through music and I wanted her to be familiar with a significant part of my life. And since I never use cds except to burn them to my hard drive, I don't mind lending them out indefinitely (I've done it several times before). Well, the last time we saw each other she had given me some of them back in a bag before I left. It wasn't until today when I was going through papers on my desk that I decided to finally put them away. I found in the bag a burned cd of Christmas songs...now, I don't know if it was made for me or was given to her by someone else & was accidentally placed there bc she was listening to the one's in the bag too. Maybe, it was the thought that it might have been intentional or just thoughts of her that came flooding back...seriously, I thought I'd cried enough last week.

Maybe it's the words written in a 4mth old journal that was under a stack of papers on my desk. Words that I had written about her, about us, about what God was teaching me about her and us, lists of the things she liked/disliked, date ideas, things we could do together, dreams of what could be... And I can't bear to throw it away yet...maybe someday I'll be strong enough.

Maybe it's the fact that some of my favorite artists are Mumford & Sons, Mat Kearney, and the Civil Wars...and songs like "Winter Winds", "White Blank Page", "Breathe In, Breathe Out", "All I Have", "Falling", "C'est la Mort" keep playing in my speakers...

Have to share this video...given to me by a friend 8mths ago when I was in a similar, but not equal circumstance. I love the intention of holding back...when so rarely I listen to my heart, and I jump full in...

Maybe it's knowing the concert that I'm going to tonight is something I know she would enjoy as well...

Maybe it's me finally coming to the realization that it's okay to question...it's okay to be "not okay" for a bit...it's okay to react emotionally as long as those emotions don't drive me...it's okay to not have it all together...it's okay to not be what someone else is looking for...it's okay to cry, still...it's okay to just have God & learn that He alone is enough (it may be slow...but as long as I realize all I need is Him)...more than enough

Ps. 119:25-28 is my prayer in this moment...and God is faithful to not "maybe", but "definitely" answer...

"I am laid low in the dust;
preserve my life according to your word.
I gave an account of my ways and you answered me;
teach me your decrees.
Cause me to understand the way of your precepts,
that I may meditate on your wonderful deeds.
My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word." - Ps. 119: 25-28

Joy...seriously...Joy

2011-02-16T13:07:00.006-05:00

"Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." (HCSB)

So the book of James has been kicking my tuchis recently. And I started over again today only to run into the wall that is vs. 2. I love how James never pulls punches, but gets to the point. As a "slave of Christ", he doesn't see a need to mince words or shy away from a difficult truth. "Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials." wait, WHAT! you have got to be joking...what person (outside of a masochist) would find joy in a painful or discomforting situation? What person in their right mind would put themselves in harm's way to begin with, but in the process be able to see it as a joy-filled situation? "consider it a great joy"...wow...I love that James knows he must be talking to "brothers". Only the redeemed can truly understand joy in trial.

Today was a hard day...not because of work, the kids today, etc. It was a half-day in an autism support room that I've been to several times before (so I must enjoy it). Just little things made me think of her...like the student's worksheet today that was based on the Chronicles of Narnia, the student's exuberant excitement over receiving stickers on their papers, the main character in the story we read together today had her name, and spending the last 1/2hr with the kids watching "UP" (one of her favorites). I miss the times we read together, the little things that she'd tell me that caused me to grow fond of her, just the joy in saying her name, and spending time just watching movies & holding her hand...just being together. My heart starts to hurt knowing I most likely will never hear her voice again, that I no longer get to find joy in getting to learn about the "little things" (the things she thought were insignificant or even odd about her, but to me were adorable), no more lighting up when she calls and her name comes up on my phone or skype because her name doesn't come up anymore, and just plain missing that person...for them & nothing more than you enjoy them.

Then, I look at my today and really ponder it; it makes me think "if that's my trial right now, unrequited affection. Knowing that somebody doesn't feel the same way romantically or relationally that I do with them. If that's the most difficult (no matter how much it hurts my heart at times) situation, that God is allowing in my life at this moment. Wow, God's gracious!" And even if it wasn't the most difficult situation...even if I really was under "various trials" like persecution, famine, imminent peril, nakedness, desolation, financial ruin, sickness like cancer, and even possible death, God would still be gracious.

I was rereading Dever's section on James in "The Message of the New Testament" and he references vs. 2-15 listing four reasons why James says we can "Consider it a great joy...when you experience various trials".

1) to produce maturity in the Christian.

"because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (vs. 3-4 NIV)

There's a progression in this sanctification, and it's a maturity born out of adversity. Like the runner who trains and trains for a marathon (hopefully by next year...it's on my bucket list), by spending hours and hours building up to a better mile time, sacrificing momentary pleasures to learn how to endure under the pain that a marathon can bring, and experience the joy of reaching a goal/finishing a race.

2) to cause us to depend more on God

"Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith without doubting. For the doubter is like the surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. An indecisive man is unstable in all his ways." (vs. 5-8 HCSB)

I appreciate the way Mark puts it "Yet in his kindness and love, God puts us in trials and circumstances in which we have no option but to trust him. And that is when we learn we can trust him, and we grow." And "ironically" he uses John 6:68 (what knocked the wind out of me late last night) to say like Peter "we have no other option but to trust you!" The lesson comes in relinquishing what I think are "needs" or "rights" or what I think I'm entitled to...it's all His, and I'm encouraged anew to lean on Him.

3)to realize that this life (and trials) will pass

"The brother of humble circumstances should boast in his exaltation; but the one who is rich [should boast] in his humiliation, because he will pass away like a flower of the field. For the sun rises with its scorching heat and dries up the grass; its flower falls off, and its beautiful appearance is destroyed. In the same way, the rich man will wither away while pursuing his activities. Blessed is a man who endures trials, because when he passes the test he will receive the crown of life that He has promised to those who love Him." (vs. 9-12 HCSB)

His ways are not our ways. Who he exalts and humiliates. But His promises are true and are ringing true in my ears now. The futility of this life should be a grand reminder of my needed allegiance to the Father and trust in His purposes.

4) to unfold promises that trials are a part of God's purposes

"When tempted, no one should say, 'God is tempting me.' For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." (vs. 13-15 ESV)

I don't know what God is intending with the loss of this relationship, but getting to put more trust in Him for what I cannot immediately see is refreshing. I may still wander and question (though I'm constantly being reminded that I don't have to have answers to trust), but it does bring to realize that at the moment I'm not trusting and my emotions are controlling me.

I love the way M. Dever puts it:
"James calls us to embrace our trials by considering them 'all joy.' That does not mean we pretend they are not trials. It simply means we do not let our understanding of them ultimately be determined by how they feel at first. If something feels hard or bad at first, we will react to it negatively. That is only natural. But the strange and wonderful thing is, God in his sovereign love again and again uses those things that feel bad at first to teach us to trust Him."

He continues by aptly describing our emotions as a tail or crosswind to an airplane:
"One the one hand, emotions can be extremely helpful. On the other hand, trials can produce winds of emotion that feel like headwinds or even crosswinds. So we cannot take our directions from our emotions. We have to take our direction from God and the truth of what he has told us to do in Scripture. And as we see trials strengthen our faith and so prove God's faithfulness, a new emotion, indeed something deeper than an emotion, will emerge--joy! Now that's a tailwind!"

Joy from trial...to mature, redirect affection, bring to worship the Father, reflect on the finite measure of the trial, and focus on the future good that God is working out for His children.

Joy...seriously...Joy. Joy when I read of God's unending love for me His child, when I find glimpses of Him in the seemingly, ordinary "little things" that cause me to grow more fond of Him, when I get the express privilege to say His name like honey on my lips as I sing w/uplifted hands while tears stream down, when I get to spend time telling Him all my sorrows and heartaches and joys and fears and dreams and desires...and even though I can't see Him either, He's with me and I get to just Be with Him.

Seriously...joy...yah, joy!

To Whom Shall We Go?

2011-02-15T21:44:00.005-05:00

"Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life." John 6:68 (ASV)

"We are not familiar enough with the Gospel; we are afraid of knowing it well. We ignore its teaching and skim its meaning. We carefully study the words of men and neglect those of God. One word of the Gospel is worth more than all the other books in the world together. It is the source of all truth. With what love, faith, and reverence ought we to listen to Jesus Christ. Let us say with St. Peter, 'Lord, to whom shall we go?' One moment of meditation, of love, and of the presence of God will give us more understanding of truth than all the reasonings of men."

from Meditations and Devotions by Francois Fenelon

Conviction sets in when I read this because my thoughts are not always so high of God. I agree that sometimes I'm afraid of the Gospel...not because I know it's life-giving, but because it's life-altering; not because it's lacking in any way, but because it's overwhelming; not because it's adequate, but it supplies every need (which leaves me dazed & wondering what part I play); not because it's freeing, but because it's demanding; not because it's selfless, but because it's self-deprecating; not because I did anything to deserve it, but because I did nothing to deserve it.

Baby Steps...

2011-02-14T00:45:00.006-05:00

It's safe to say that I don't blog much. I was looking over old posts realizing today is 4yrs & 4mths since I started this thing. This being the 60th total post is only the 3rd time I've posted an entry in successive days. I also figured out that I add to this blog roughly every 26th day. This is by sheer number and not taking into account days when I've posted multiple entries (was really ambitious) like the infamous "blogger from back east" posts that 'rocked' the world of fundamentalism :)...or at least those who read Sharper Iron.

All that to say, I plan to write more often. If I say it one more time, I might actually do it. I've been writing in journals for years, but making it public online is a whole 'nother ballgame. And to be honest, to the handful that read this (of which 90% I'm sure that I'm related to), I appreciate you dropping in every once in a while especially after I end my usual 4-6month droughts.

I'm not one to get hung up on "resolutions" or maybe not anymore. I did somewhat follow my "eat better, exercise more" one from last year, and as of today am 65lbs lighter than last January (halfway toward my goal). But, putting my thoughts on electronic paper helps me to work out my thoughts, collect them more, make them easier to catalog/find later on, and get helpful feedback when someone calls me on my often inane ramblings.

I can't tell you how much this song was a means of grace this morning/afternoon while I sat in the coffee shop drinking pomegranate tea during my 2 1/2hr lunch break (seriously, the guy I subbed for has a 2 1/2hr lunch break...crazy). I hadn't listened to this song in months, but it brought such joy as I once again blared it in my car on my way back to school...I put up the one with lyrics so if you don't know it or if you do, you can sing along. It's guaranteed to lift the weak, comfort the broken, encourage the upright, and convict the hard-hearted...no foolin' on the guarantee.

God has been gracious since my last post to continue to bring people to encourage/convict, speaking by His Spirit through apt Scripture, and allowing me to see Him in the momentary instances of life. The book of James has been blowing me away while Romans 6-8 has been crucial to give assurance and hope when my thoughts tend to be bleak.

I'm overjoyed that God is speaking to me through His Word, and I hope & beg that He'll continue to convict and sway my feeble heart. I needed this today...a little while ago, I was looking forward to the opportunity of today. I don't tend to hype up unnecessary holidays especially those created by greeting card companies (I'm talking about you Boss's Day). But having never (truly) celebrated this one with the cherub-faced, diaper-wearing, homicidal arrow-shooting, "love"inducing mascot...I had been looking forward to it. As the day has gotten closer, I haven't look forward to it as much, and would have forgotten about it altogether if not for the heart-shaped balloon & rose-peddling stands on every corner of the Northeast (those immigrants know how to market to the delinquent males, let me tell ya). If I could have overlooked them, the high school that I worked in today was littered with red-shirted, balloon toting, hormone intoxicated teenyboppers who couldn't keep their hands off each other.

And yet again, God was gracious to remind me in Romans 8:28-39 that "there's a joy to be had that if you have it will enable you to face anything in life without sinking or crumbling, and this joy is an absolute certainty that God doesn't just love you now...but He always will" (Tim Keller). A greater love than I could ever show or receive from someone else. This truth is assured no matter how bad things are going on inside and/or outside of me. Sometimes I'm tempted to think that God is unfair to give such grace & love so much because of who I know myself to be. A faithful friend refreshed my soul yesterday after church by reminding me that God's love for me is not contingent on my behavior/actions, but solely on the shed blood of the Son of God for me. He finished it and loves me no less in spite of me. He's just because of it and continues to be a Justifier of sinners who come to Him in repentance...wow...

The weights of pain and uncertainty that I've been carrying for the last month are not mine to carry. He wants them, and I'm ready to give them up. God will use the hurt and pain for a reason, and I saw a glimpse of that today. He alone can fix my broken heart because He's preparing me for something greater. My mind can't possibly conceive of someone or something better than the one he brought, but I'm starting to trust again that He can and will if that's His purpose.

I don't know what all He's intending to do, but it's great to start trusting again that He knows exactly what He's doing even in the silence. What a good God! What a wonderful Savior! What a merciful Father to "lead me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy"!

So like Bob (sans the illustrious Dr. Leo Marvin & his self-help hoohah) I'm taking baby steps...

Let The Healing Begin

2011-02-13T07:20:00.003-05:00

Some days are harder than others. When you spend what seems like 2hrs riding around a fast food parking lot in a coach bus with the girl who just broke up with you as she expresses her remorse over the break up and her cursory desire to restore said relationship only to find out that it was all a dream. Seriously, the coach bus making circles in the parking lot should have been a clue, but I think the absurdity of the dream only showed how much my desire to see things restored outweighed any signs of reality. So as I was lying there wiping the tears of my cheeks as the memories came rushing back once again...only the good because that's all there ever was, and the tears come because I know the "good" will never come again with that person.

I think the past few weeks that I've been lying to myself. I suppress the feelings of grief because "I've got to get over her". While the later statement is true, the process that I've taken has been harder than if I'd actually grieved. I bite my lip too often when something triggers a memory, and I try to let the moment pass. I've had so much comfort from friends/loved ones who've tried in their ways to comfort. Some have been successful in making an impact, and others (with good intentions) have tried to set me up with somebody or come to their area to meet some nice girls. I appreciate the offer, but right now is not the time.

I talked about the situation with a number of people during the first week, and though it sucked, I was "okay" with the result. Then came week 2, and my world seemed to be falling apart all around me. The more that I dwelled on the why, how, when, what was said, what was not said, how it was said, the more discouraged and embittered I saw myself becoming. I thought that I should be "over" this by now, and I keep having these emotions of loss and pain of disappointment. A friend had encouraged me in the early days afterward to suffer well...well, I was suffering, but how in the world can you do it "well".

Then God brought me Psalm 77...

1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands,
and I would not be comforted.

3 I remembered you, God, and I groaned;
I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.[b]
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart meditated and my spirit asked:

7 “Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

13 Your ways, God, are holy.
What god is as great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

16 The waters saw you, God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water,
the heavens resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.

...and I cried for what seemed like hours, so when the few minutes of tears were over peace started to wash over me. I was finally allowing the Comforter to comfort. Then "randomly" this article fell into my browser and was immensely helpful. I hadn't just given myself the ability to grieve. I was hung up on how long it was taking me to recover and not asking God to help me through the next few minutes or hours to see "His deeds" and "consider all His works".

God was gracious to give me 4 months of getting to know the most amazing person that I'd ever met. He had allowed me to start falling for this person who I barely knew. I had just started to open up and "be myself" not just who I thought she wanted me to be. I wasn't just saying what I thought she wanted to hear, but truly wanting what was best for us and what I thought God wanted me to do. That "revelation" just happened to be 4 days before she broke up with me which at first shattered me, and I had resolved to never let myself go like that again and trust so openly and freely the next time. But what joy is in that...yes, I know that God should be the only person that I implicitly trust, but I don't want to hold back or "not be myself" because I think the tacit ability to trust can be a great gift. I could spend the rest of my life holding back from risk (like I usually do) and remain relatively unscathed, but that's not loving either.

I haven't heard from her since I emailed her a week later to say "I'm okay" and moving on...which at that second was true, but in reality was a load of refuse. Most days I just want to hear how she's doing, what's going on in her life, what God's teaching her, her thoughts/opinions/dreams/hope/aspirations, but mostly I just miss praying with her...probably what brought me most joy in our tenure together. I'm starting to realize that the "clean break" is probably the most loving thing she could have done. It's somewhat ironic that it again came from a dream. This realization came this morning...I awoke from a dream (crying again...but for altogether different reasons) of her sitting down across a table (with an Asian couple at her side...weird, I know...even weirder that they never said a word) and asking me questions from a list...random yet ordinary questions. I just remember looking up at her and saying with tears running down my face "why are you doing this. Why are you torturing me?" When I was jolted awake the epiphany struck that the last thing I need is for feelings to linger if they're not meant to. Unrequited love is one of the hardest things to deal with, and she knew this. She knew letting the idea of "maybe" linger would only breed mixed emotions & hard feelings later on. She knew it would be harder, but also that it would be better in the long run. I had been doubting her feelings altogether toward me because she dropped it so hard & fast with no intention of ever communicating again and with no way of me being able to say anything to change it.

A clean break...its not fun at all. It probably hurt the most when my dad passed and all I got was a seemingly cursory text from her after I elicited a response just to see if she would respond. It hurt...a lot...probably more than anything else and I held that against her. But without knowing why, I can't hold it against her. I imagine it must have been hard for her not to call...she knew we needed a clean break and what was one of the most emotional days of my life wouldn't be the best time (looking back, I probably would have said something foolish or cried...wouldn't have been good). I appreciate her having her dad call to offer condolences...it showed she wanted to know how I was doing, but knew it was best to still keep her distance. What I viewed as insensitive and uncaring was again probably the most loving thing she could have done. I may be completely wrong & she doesn't care, but I like to think from what I know about her the better response. This realization makes the "break-up" all the more difficult because it gives greater clarity that she is everything I thought she was and more than I thought capable. I pray that I would love like that someday.

So, it's about time that I allow God to take over. It's about time that I grieve with hope. Hope that God is working all things together for His glory and my good. There's no time better than the present to let the healing begin...

Continuing to Brood...about what, now that's a different story!

2011-02-03T00:30:00.002-05:00

I splash water on my face again before I exit the bathroom in my mom's house. If my family is (for some reason) keeping track of my regular visits to the loo, they probably think that I have a bowelular issue. It's weird that the people you're closest too you just feel like not opening up to. I don't feel like I can share the reason I've spent the last 3 washroom visits in the past 3hrs has been to cry, listen to sad songs, & read Scripture (but mostly to cry to myself).

The last 3 weeks have been a mesh of emotions & forced suppression of emotions, silence & chatterboxing (it's like lightweight boxing, but with less hitting w/gloves & more flapping of jaws), crying & refusing to cry. The loss of a parent has hit me in waves recently. I may not have had a great relationship with my dad, but I always appreciated his candor. I saw in him the last several months/couple of years of his life the same mixture of emotions & suppression of emotions. I don't have regrets about the last few months of his life, but more in the last few years. I can't change anything about that relationship, but the desire to change every other relationship is palpable.

For now, I'm just tired...I spent the last 4 months falling in love with a girl who dropped me cold turkey three weeks ago. I'm not mad at her...couldn't be. I just don't get it...maybe I'm not supposed to, but if you spend the time getting to know somebody for a few months, you kinda want answers. I don't feel like I should get answers from the source...when someone drops you that sudden, it's like freefalling w/o a parachute (nothing to hold onto). For me, what hurt the most wasn't the being dumped (though that sucks a whole lot). It was the seemingly sudden change of feelings. I understand if you don't have feelings (romantic or otherwise), but how do feelings change so quick. How can you say you're glad to be dating me & kiss me like that one week, but completely remove me out of your life the next...what changed...and what changed so quickly?

I don't blame God because He's always been good. He's teaching me more about myself than I care to know right now. He's been my constant, my rock, and my comforter. I know He's always seeking for His glory above all else so I'm desperately seeking His kingdom to that end.

There's always a risk in pursuing a relationship...I knew that going into it, but I didn't expect it to hurt this much. I honestly thought things were going really well...I told her on the phone that "I kinda saw this coming" and gave some really weak examples. I didn't know it was coming...I honestly saw a future with this person. How foolish of me to let myself get sucked in.

I don't blame God...I blame myself because I should've known better...sadly that's my brooding lately...may be for a while. It brings up a lot of thoughts, emotions, & possible future blog entries so stay tuned :)

I Hear My King Declaring "Father, that Debt is Paid"

2010-10-16T13:03:00.004-04:00

I've typed several drafts to this entry in the last couple of months, but haven't pulled the trigger. It may be my indecisive nature or the nagging fear of something not being perfect. I have that fear when it comes to grad school projects when I work and work and toil only to come up with (in my opinion) as second rate work. Halfway through my 3rd & 4th classes, I've yet to receive a grade less than 100%, but I still continue to fret over it. But this should actually be given to another post at another time.

So, what brings me to finally put thoughts into the interweb. I was reminded this week of several inescapable truths that seemed to permeate my thoughts this week. The most prominent thought being striking realization of the spiritual battle that is being waged on a daily basis in my soul and heart. This truth was made evident earlier this week when a friend of mine had a parent/mother-in-law that passed away suddenly. It was and has been definitely hard for the family, but I've seen the body of Christ wrap their arms around them and loving encourage and support them. I've heard of several instances in the past week where God has given opportunities for the gospel to be presented in ways and venues that wouldn't have been possible without this unfortunate tragedy. I've heard of people asking pointed questions and contemplating God/spirituality/church/scripture who would have otherwise mocked or scorned the mention of it weeks or days before.

I used the words "seen" and "heard" for a poignant yet disturbing purpose because I was not a part of that "active body life" this week. When a family needed encouragement, love, support, grace, and comfort, I was no where to be found. I purposely drove to the church where the visitation was held on Wednesday night to go inside then saw myself not stop the car and keep on driving. The maddening selfishness of my spirit was like bile in my throat. I was/am disgusted with the way that I ignored the Spirit's prompting to satisfy the "easyness" of not embrace community. The insane aspect was my struggle all day over this issue and how I made a "snap" judgment to ignore fellowship around the gospel. One of my initial thought on Wednesday morning was "I wish I could go, but I have school tonight" which was quickly countered with "But class will be over by 8ish and the visitation goes until 9". The battle continued..."I haven't been actively engaging in this relationship/fellowship recently with the family who was affected by the tragedy" which was knocked down by "But you are the church, the redeemed/adopted child of God, and need to be there". This continued from flesh to spirit all day until I decided while sitting in my Instruction & Tech class that I would go and be there for them, fellowship and comfort, pray for and pray with.

Then, I got in the car surprisingly (but not surprisingly, the dialogue continued) and "it's late" and "you haven't eaten yet" and "you're wearing jeans & sandals" and "you really should work on the group project due next week" popped in my head in rapid succession. By the time I drove up to the church, I'd done a complete 180 degree turn to listening and succumbing to the mounting doubts and temptations. Now, I'm writing not just to proclaim my insanity or make it sound like I have voices in my head (well, kinda, but not really), but to share what God benevolently taught and is teaching me now through it.

I screwed up...yes. I failed at ministering grace this week....yup. I gave into doubt & temptation and in the proccess, sinned...definitely. The accusations and doubts of the tempter & my flesh conflicted with my soul & the prompting of the Spirit. I chose to rest in chains of self instead of the freeing, liberating power of a life in tune with God. I doubted the sufficiency of the gospel by not seeing it as preeminent and seeing my momentary gratification as tantamount.

But God was faithful to remind me through reading, praying, worshipping, sermons/podcasts, and encouragement even this morning through a several hour conversation with friends that His finished work on the cross does not lead me to succumb to guilt over past mistakes. The law says "do, do, do" while the cross says "done". I thought the momentary reprise of an awkward situation would be more satisfying than relishing in the hope of the gospel over one of the saints being called home by the Father. I'm holding a weight over myself that the Father doesn't hold against me. The "old man was crucified with him, that the body of sin might be done away, that so we should no longer be in bondage to sin; 7 for he that hath died is justified from sin." (Rom. 6:6-7) He is not displeased with me. He loves and cherishes me in spite of me. I'm reminded of how much He's given so that I don't have to experience spiritual death. He draws me to himself to refine and shape and strengthen my weakness, and my heart is overflowing with gladness and gratitude for the redeeming love that I did nothing to earn.

So, how does this apply today? What do I take away from this instance of weakness then remembrance of the Savior & repentance of sin? God redeemed and adopted me because it gave Him infinite pleasure to be glorified in and through a hopeless sinner being miraculous brought from eternal damnation to everlasting life. So, I am and can be today satisfied with God alone. If I hold on to guilt over forgiven sin, I'm stating that Christ's purchase of me and atonement for my sin debt is of none effect. So, I rest in the Father's work, cherish the Son who restored that fellowship with the Father, and engage with and ask for the Spirit to empower my thinking and guard my heart against doubt.

A certain song has been rushing through my head the past few days and especially today. It was actually referenced in a sermon on "Jesus in the Wilderness: Driven, Tempted, Served" given at Grace Bible this Sunday that so aptly prepared the hearts of a congregation that would be affected by tragedy this week. I love the following phrasing in the first verse (hence the title of this entry): When Satan’s accusations make my poor heart afraid, I hear my King declaring “Father, that debt is paid!” . How can you not rejoice with me? Here's "Jesus, My Only Hope in it's entirety:

I come into Your presence
With nothing in my hands
I only bring thanksgiving
For Jesus, God and Man
I cast myself on mercy
I cast myself on love
I trust Your gracious promise
To wash me with Your blood

I will not fear Your judgment
For me no wrath I dread
For it was spent on Jesus
Poured out upon His head
When Satan’s accusations
Make my poor heart afraid
I hear my King declaring
“Father, that debt is paid!”

CHORUS
Jesus my only hope
My only plea
My righteousness
My Great High Priest
Who intercedes for me
Before the throne
Jesus, I trust in You alone

Though I am poor and naked
Your prodigal come home
You place Your robe upon me
Your holiness alone
Though I be dry and barren
By grace this love springs forth
Love for You and Your Kingdom
Joy in Your glory, Lord

Between Reality & Fantasy

2010-07-09T17:54:00.003-04:00

Recently, I've been reminded that I struggle between reality and fantasy. By fantasy, I don't mean a mystical world of wizards, warlocks, and furry-footed hobbits, but grappling with my own flurry of imaginative disarray which leads to reading between the lines. It's a frightening thing when we let our mind get the best of us. We allow ourselves to build up a false reality that must be more "real" than what we're actually interacting with on a regular basis.

I tend to "read into" things on a regular basis especially when it comes to relationships or potential relationships. I think past what is being said to the implied meaning or I accept the "reading between the lines" as equal or greater to what's being said. When someone says they need time to think or don't have the time, I jump to the conclusion that I'm unimportant or being slighted (because in my "fantasy" world, I'm also king).

In my fantasy world, my opinion seems to be the only one that matters but not really. I crave the opinions, accolades, attention, and approval of every subject in my "land of make believe". If you feel differently, I will pout and seek the consoling respite of one of my subjects. I will lavish on them the bountiful travesty of my plight and how I was slighted, misused, abused, and scorned (again, all in my head). And my loyal subjects will heartily agree that my pain & hurt has been "unjustly" poured out on me which leads me to "justly" resent, backbite, slander, and react often with malice and ill-intent. To secure my kingdom and keeping the borders safe from outside attack, an electronic letter or message of mobility will be sent to the potential usurper of my pride.

Ironically, my castle walls still fall down and my pride comes rushing from it's dwelling place in the dungeon to rear it's dastardly head breathing out continuing sobs of pity and emotional contrition. My pride has been dashed against the rocks and wails in anguish, but it is sadly never defeated. I still reign on the throne of my heart and be careful that you don't encroach on my kingdom of self because in my world there is little room for outsiders.

Basically, I'm a horribly, wretched person that sways from degrees of pride to self-adulation and aggrandizement to pitiful, self-loathing debauchery. Sin tries to reign and recently, I've let it. My degrees of discerning the reality from the fiction has cost me dearly in relationships.

But I can't leave here without hope and as Paul when he came to the end of Romans 7 wrestled with the insanity of his wretched soul, I have the same hope even though it often is clouded by my mystical realm of me.

"21I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22I love God’s law with all my heart. 23But there is another powere within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 25Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin." NLT

a lot of prodigals

2010-06-09T18:10:00.003-04:00

Seems to be a constant theme from the multiple facebook shares of this video...which is stellar (and the repeat showing at the NEXT conference):

to reading Prodigal God by Tim Keller last month to see the real (primary) Prodigal as the Father relentlessly & recklessly pursuing His children...

to replaying "The Prodigal" over & over again the last couple of weeks (which the video/song is from) from "Sons & Daughters" by Sovereign Grace Music which is one of their best...and that's saying something.

to a great reminder last night in group redemption as we reached Luke 15 and covered it yet again.

Seems God is trying to get a few things across to me/us...we are never too far from His grace, we are not condemned by our sin if we are found in Him, and we can try to find fulfillment in many things (wealth, possessions, relationships), but they never satisfy in a way only He can.

Btw, check out the NEXT sermons, pics, worship lineup/purposes for certain songs, and a couple of great articles/songs from Bob Kauflin on battling sin/lust & living with disabilities all from Memorial Day weekend...they're so good...more on that later.

Coming to the end of myself

2010-05-05T22:28:00.003-04:00

As a teacher, I tried to instill repetition into my students. Repetition of task, review of subject matter, and consistency in discipline were ways to help them stay on task, recognize/remember subject matter, and know boundaries/limitations in the classroom.

As a human, I repeat the same failures, hardly study or learn independently, and discipline is vaguely existent in my life. I have to admit the last 4 months have been the most encouraging, challenging, and stretching months in my 26 years.

I've changed some bad habits, made new friendships, strengthened old friendships, made life-altering decisions, made some terrible mistakes, grown in love for God, mistrusted God and taken Him for granted, not followed through on promises, been there when a friend needed me, needed someone to talk to and couldn't find anybody, received encouragement or rebuke when I desperately needed it, and read into things that weren't based on truth.

This past week two friends on two separate occasions gave me the following verses which though familiar hit me like a ton of bricks. God gave me exactly what I needed to remind me that He's sufficient, that I can't rest in myself, and where my confidence must rest.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
Be not wise in your own eyes;
fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.
It will be healing to your flesh
and refreshment to your bones." - Proverbs 3:5-8

At first my mind tried to wrap around the concept that I could trust him by just trying to get there on my own. I could read more and know more about Him. Intellectual assent is not what He wants, but a settled confidence in His care and faithfulness to His Word. Recently, I've been looking to fulfill my own desires and wanting God to rubber-stamp what I want. I've been "wise in my own eyes". I love the last verse of the section because it gives a practical, tangible result to fearing God and trusting in His ways instead of ours, and that result is peace as our will is submitted to His will. As my wants and desires are for Him and Him alone, I will see Him direct and lead not according to my pattern or way of thinking, but in a way only He could have directed. So in occupation, time management, relationships, service, God has to be trusted and believed to be more fulfilling than a wife, more sufficient than the paying off my debt, more pleasurable than fleeting, temporal joys, and more desirable than anything this world can offer.

So, I fall on His mercy to refresh and His grace to release me from guilt. I used to live as though just the results were up to God, but it's a daily, moment-by-moment sacrifice of my will as Romans 12:1 so aptly puts it. I need Him and nothing else, and I know He'll come through on His promise to "make straight my paths" and provided "healing to my flesh" and nourishment to my bones". The question remains if I'll be continually leaning on my own understanding or trusting the one who's given me understanding in the first place. I'm praying for the latter.

He pursues us and rejoices over the repentent

2010-03-21T23:07:00.005-04:00

With a holy and benevolent affection, God pursues us like a distraught lover. I was reminded today of God's jealousy over me parallels my jealousy for the affection of another. Though my affections are finite and frail and prone to selfishness, God's are holy and pure as He fights for me every day. I'm learning that pride can hamper not only relationships with people, but most importantly with God. If I don't see my sin as an offense against a righteous God, I'm saying God's sacrifice is not enough to cover that sin and I fall into idolatry because I want to keep this sin as my own...it's what I come to treasure.

I was blown away by Luke 15 today as I pondered the idea of repentance. God rejoices, as well as the angels, when we turn from sin to a holy God. I love the picture of the shepherd who pursues the sheep who's willfully wandered off. He rejoices over me...but I'm the one who went away to do my own thing. My first reaction is God should scold and correct, but He doesn't...he, like the shepherd & the woman who lost the coin, proclaims it all.

The prodigal son rebukes me on a daily basis as I see myself demanding from God what I believe is entitled to me then squandering it on "reckless living". I often live with the pigs instead of rejoicing in the fellowship of the Father. But God pursues us (and oh how thankful I am for that) and embraces and kisses us when we ran the opposite direction.

As well, I see myself in the perspective of the older brother who judges afar off and is not willing to accept the prodigal brother (though the Father has embraced him with open arms) because I'm so wrapped up in myself and what I believe grace/mercy should look like. But even to us "older brothers", the Father still extends grace...God saw the anger of the older brother but still invited him to the feast. He says "all that is mine is yours", and that baffles me, but I'm grateful for it.

Today, I saw both the fruits of regeneration in others that brought rejoicing to my lips (prodigals coming home & celebrating) and the contempt for others that brought judgment and jealousy (the older brother). Can there be more polar opposites can come from the same lips? So as a "prodigal" and an "older brother", I fall at the Father's feet forever grateful that He jealously pursues me and that I'm found in Him celebrating continuously as I accept other "prodigals" and "older brothers" into the feast.

God works through our work (but we have to work)

2010-02-24T22:24:00.002-05:00

I missed sitting in on Sunday's message (which was okay b/c one of the highlights of my month is teaching 3-5yr old Grace4Kids), but I burned a copy and have since listened to it thricely (it's a new word...look it up Webster). Psalm 127 was the passage, but I had no idea of the behind whooping I was about to receive from vs. 1-2. Two little verses that open up a gamut of Scriptural passages and principles applying to my current state.

Needless to say I've been a slacker most of my life. I've skated by on just enough because it was just enough to get by. I'm one of those guys who would skim his notes right before a test and get an A...one of those guys you probably love(d) to hate. I never really had to work for much, and my motivation for excelling has been non-existent. I hate to admit, but even in relation to spiritual things I figured I could coast on the grace given upon conversion, but never really relying on Future Grace (plug for one of my favorite books ever!)

So, this struggle became evident a couple months back as I saw myself coasting through a tedious job (which I'm grateful for don't get me wrong...but completely teeedddiiiouuusss), sitting on my hands when it came to preparing for possible teaching opportunities, and not looking (at all) for other career opportunities (job areas were just one arena, but provide the best example). That laziness came to a tipping point this past week when (b/c of work closings) I came face to face with not being able to pay my bills for the first time ever. I've always been able to finagle finances around to come out alright and sometimes even, but to not be able provide brought me to the end of myself. I'd always trusted in myself to provide (with maybe a lingering thought to the actual Provider), but when I couldn't...who do you think I went running to? 'Bout time.

My last post was alluding to this, but I hesitant to bring those things out because its just not something people talk about...but since this blog is all about "brooding over benevolence" I have to be specific in how God is working. So I had to bring those things out to someone, and I'm thankful for the wisdom of a certain godly man in my church who sat down with me, gave me prudent counsel, helped me lay down my goals and how to achieve them, and steps to take now to get myself out of the current hole. Talk about humbling...finances have always been something I've been able to "manage", but in many Christian subcultures you don't bring it up. I'm thankful God brought it to my heart and enabled me to share...we don't do this enough...but it's amazing the peace that comes from the Spirit when we're open and honest.

So, how does this apply to the message...God works through our work in building His Kingdom, in building up faith, and in building up each other (which sometimes may be painful). If God brought me to the city to labor for the kingdom and exhort the body, why was I doing such a lackluster job at it? If God had given me the passion and enablement to teach, then why wasn't I? If God had given me the ability to get of my keester and provide for my financial state (and my current employment is not doing that), then what am I still doing sitting here?

So, per God's grace and wise counsel...I'm on the road to being certified to teach in PA (met w/an advisor today at HFU...just gotta take the tests and finish the application process), took a test tonight to work part-time as an enumerator for the Census Bureau (got a good score...so the ball should start rolling on that soon), and working on some personal loan stuff that should consolidate/eventually eliminate my debt.

It's amazing to see the change in my heart, motives, and attitude about a self-induced, slipshod (alright...this actually is a word...look it up) situation. It's completely an evidence of grace as I start to see God working through my work...imagine that. And finally, I know I did a subpar job of describing the message on Sunday...listen to it here, subscribe on itunes, or I'll burn you a copy...it's that important. Grace and Peace.
Nate

He's Always Been Faithful

2010-02-21T16:44:00.002-05:00

"If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that"...my brother texted me something similar to this earlier in the week and through continual struggles, doubts, indecisions, and worries that have been creeping into my consciousness this past week God has been faithful to bring this to mind over and over. I don't know the future, and I have no security in what tomorrow will bring (save God's sovereign nature).

I'm grateful how God has used this for me and even allowed me to share this morsel of grace to others. As I wrestle with concerns about tomorrow and provision for today, I'm being graciously comforted by the Holy Spirit that no matter the trial, pain, or test that is all my Hope and Trust. I'm thankful for the help, insight, wisdom, and graciousness of others to listen to my plight and seek to bear my burden in prayer and tangible ways.

I'm overwhelmed by Paul's benediction at the end of his letter to the church in Philippi where he expresses the graciousness of the Father to breed contentment in his heart no matter the circumstance (vs. 11-12), to trust in God as his source of strength in serving others (vs. 13), and to rest the Philippian congregation's assurance in Christ as the provider of their needs (vs. 19).

I was also encouraged by a faithful friend this past week to seek joy in suffering (Rom 5:3-5) which I didn't consider for my situation, but I am truly rejoicing in God's ability to use this momentary trial to stretch and shape me into the person He's make me to be.

I know it is no coincidence when God brings people, initiates conversations, provides poignant reading, and utilizes even my car stereo to remind me of where my trust needs to rest. I was listening to "You Have Always Been Faithful" from SGM and went online to find the lyrics, but came across this song by Sara Groves instead which is an old hymn put with new words, but an unchanging truth that "He's Always Been Faithful".

Morning by morning I wake up to find
the power and comfort of God's hand in mine.
Season by season I watch him amazed, in
awe of the mystery of his perfect ways

All I have need of his hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me

I can't remember a trial or a pain he did
not recycle to bring me gain. I can't
remember one single regret in serving
God only and trusting his hand

All I have need of his hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me

This is my anthem, this is my song, the
theme of the stories I've heard for so long.
God has been faithful, he will be again.
His loving compassion, it knows no end.

All I have need of his hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me

Another day off...still brooding

2010-02-10T17:44:00.005-05:00

As I thought about writing a new post (which I'm sadly reverting to my old days of keeping "current"), this song came on my itunes through a "random" happening (I quote random b/c nothing is random). It sums up my brooding thoughts today...so glad I've been forgiven (not just once, but continually) and I've been adopted as a child by the God of the universe never to taste the wrath of my just "reward".

"Always Forgiven"

I don’t deserve to be Your servant
And how much less to be Your child
Anger and wrath, sure condemnation
Should be my portion, my just reward
Never have seen it, never will know it
Your lovingkindness enfolds my life

All You have shown me is
Grace, love and mercy
Now and forever I am Your child
Freely You pour out
Your lovingkindness
Father of grace
You welcome me in

All of the sin I have committed
Was placed upon Your righteous Son
And now You see me
Through His perfection
As if I’d never done any wrong
Always forgiven, always accepted
No fear of judgment
Before Your throne

Always Forgiven by Jonathan and Ryan Baird
Sovereign Grace Worship

I say this isn't a random occurrence as well b/c I just started Ephesians today, and if you're family with vs. 1-14 then you know this fit more perfect than I could have planned. And as I look at the snow covering everything in a blanket of pure white (not so pure in some spots...this is the city), I'm reminded of that forgiveness "which he lavished upon us...to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth." Powerful...powerful stuff, and how can I not reflect on it.

The view from my Arrott Suite...and still coming down. Glad I got to spend a portion of my day watching the snow fall while I drank tea and meditated...very profitable day off.

And just for fun...your *moment* of *common grace*

"The Lord surrounds his people"

2010-01-31T18:07:00.002-05:00

I say it every sabbath...but I can't say it enough. I enjoy the communion and fellowship of redemptive community (I couldn't have always said it, but I'm thankful that at this time in my life I can).

From pre-service morning prayer focusing on Eph. 2:1-10 and the mercy of God that ripped into my life when I was "dead in our (my) trespasses, made us (me) alive together with Christ". I can't say enough how the Spirit uses His Word to break open a heart and refresh, renew, convict, and rejuvenate for a morning of life-worship.

To greeting, which I'm not so good at...but I enjoy. In all honesty, it would not have been my first option as a means of service, but I look forward to it every time I do it. I'm not the most extroverted persons and to be able to see people when they first walk in church to greet them, know their name, maybe reflect on grace in the past week, or tell them you've been praying for them (and that being true)...this is not something I grew up with people. Me doing this and being excited about is an evidence of grace.

To ushering, somebody's gotta do it...and again I enjoy it. It may seem menial or insignificant, but it's a tool (monetary offering) to further the kingdom in proclaiming the gospel in NE Philly and around the world. Doing security during the service (which basically means you sit in the foyer, make a couple "security checks" during the service, and watch for shady characters trying to come in and disrupt (which they've definitely done before...true story)) which still allows me to listen, but I'm happy to do it. I honestly never thought it would be such a joy to minister in these ways in a church...I always it would be as it had been...teaching the kids, singing in the choir, being on the bible quiz (haha...just kidding, but seriously this is a whole 'nother blog post), etc.

To the passage/sermon, which I've been making a habit of reading/meditating on before the service the past few weeks. I know it means waking up early which if anyone knows me is not an easy task. Today's sermon was Psalm 125 in the series of "Songs of Ascent". I'll give a quick low down & hope it's a blessing:

3 evidences of humble confidence when we trust in the Lord

1.) When we trust in the Lord, we will experience a confident stability (vs. 1)
*Like Mt Zion where God's people worshiped, God assures his
people that when they trust (even though they were
undeserving) they are cared for by God who has chosen them.
*We can always count on God to be our deliverer (from
temptation), provider (salvation/basic needs), protector (from
the evil one), Shepherd (cares & guides continually), & King
(rules over me through His Word).

2.) When we trust in the Lord, we experience a confident security
(vs. 2-3)
*Security comes through God who is our protector
*God's assurance is those who exercise ungodly authority over
His people will not rule long.
*God is promising that these rulers with a "scepter of
wickedness" will not torment God's people, but they can be
confident in the fact that they are surrounded by the Lord.

3.) When we trust in the Lord, we will experience a confident ability to pray (vs. 4-5)
*Resting in the promise that God will do good to His people,
and they should lift up confident prayers of provision,
protection, deliverance, etc.
*Through Christ, He opened access to the Father (an assurance
of blessing)
*Because of the "community language" in vs. 4 that gives us a
legitimate & necessary way to pray for each other in the body.

Definitely not a complete exposition & I barely gave my application, but good stuff from the Lord by using Ian this morning. Which I have to brag on him a little because the Lord has been so gracious by bringing me here to GBC and being so spoiled by awesome expository, Spirit-filled preaching...He is so kind in that way.

And finally to our family meeting which is not like typical "business meetings" in churches I've previously attended, but continues the fellowship aspect while allowing the body to participate in the vision for the Church. And with a lot of exciting things coming down the pike, I continued to rejoice over the Lord's gracious provision to this body of believers in NE Philly and how He'll continue to work.

Well, that was a lie...finally, to Table Talk which starts in about 25 minutes. A time for guys from GBC to reflect on the mercy and grace of the Father through caring for each others souls, stirring up to good works, admonishing/instructing in the Word, and enjoying great coffee at the best coffee shop in NE Philly (yeh, I'm partial...but I gotta give a plug to Great Awakenings...check it out if you've got a chance b/c you'll enjoy it (especially for those on the West coast...you know who you are :) )). Grace & Peace.

Continuing to Brood...

2010-01-30T12:34:00.003-05:00

It's amazing to see the graciousness of God through books I read, sermons I hear, scripture I mediate on, people I meet, and circumstances I experience.

We'll start w/the works I've read this month. My book a week strategy has led me to 3 dynamically different yet congruent works. From Wild at Heart, that caused me to reevaluate my "masculinity" in terms of who God says I am to Mad Church Disease: Overcoming the Burnout Epidemic that gave me reassurance in God's desire for how we "minister" and in trusting despite past heartache in the church to my current read When People are Big and God is Small which has brought me face to face with the striking realization that I'm desperately searching for the approval of others over God.

It's with the latter that I want to focus on because in my mind the first two scratch the surface of what Ed Welch is getting across. There are several reviews online that encapsulate Welch's book which are helpful including this one from 9Marks. I know this book has made the rounds in evangelical circles, and I'm surprised it took me this long to pick it up. I recently borrowed the book in an attempt to further my understanding of counseling in light of my own fears/shortcomings which have and are becoming more evident in light of group redemption. I have extended this book past my week to two because of the weightiness I've incurred while reading. I picked it up for the first time last Wednesday and kept putting it down then back up over the next couple of days just reading and re-reading the first chapter beating my chest in contrition each time like the publican in Luke. After I managed to come back to the cross each time trying to live in light of future grace I'd continue to chide myself over my sin (past/present). Enter a sermon by Aaron Osborn from the previous Sunday over Psalm 103:8-14(which I highly recommend listening to...link provided). If God doesn't deal with me according to my sins, why do I hold them against myself viewing myself as a more "just judge" of my transgressions than God. This holding back of sin against myself has interfered with my approach to others because I will often be repressed in fellowship, encouragement, rebuke, correction according to Scripture because of my past indiscretions.

In this vein of thought, Welch jabs at my complacency with this statement "regarding other people, our problem is that we need them (for ourselves) more than we love them (for the glory of God). The task God sets for us to need them less and love them more." Talk about a punch to the ribs, but he doesn't stop there..."We wait for others to take initiatives of love. We spend too much time wondering what others may have thought...We are more concerned about looking stupid (a fear of people) than we are about acting sinfully (fear of the Lord)." How true...if I'm commanded to love the Father and others relentlessly then why do I cower from interaction and confrontation?

In chapter three, the author penetrates the core of the fear of man issue: "We exalt them (people) and their perceived power above God. We worship them as ones who have God-like exposing gazes (shame-fear) or God-like exposing gazes (shame-fear) or God-like ability to 'fill' us with esteem, love, admiration, acceptance, respect, and other psychological desires (rejection-fear)...They are worshipped because we perceive that they have power to give us something. We think they can bless us." People as he illustrates have become our "idol of choice", and we replace the grace given at the cross with the approval of others and what I view they can "give me". We've (I've) made a blessing (people) an object of worship because I fear them more than God; this fact has become increasingly evident in my interactions with unbelievers, redeemed community, the fairer sex, and even my roommates. I've made fear a debilitating curse rather than a holy, reverence toward God.

So, I'm just starting chapter 6 after 1 1/2 weeks of the Lord walking me slowly through some life-altering truths, and I've continued to make terrible errors based on my "fear of man" issues over the past week or so. But, I know it's working because the Spirit has been gracious in making those sins evident (I often don't listen before the fact...but He's still shifting my allegiances, and for that I couldn't be more grateful). So, let this be an encouragement and a warning to heed, and I'll be updating as the Lord continues to rip away chunks of my life.

I apologize for the long post, but as I continue to brood over the benevolence of the Savior...I continue to type. Recently, I've been listening to few songs from a worship pastor in Tennessee named Jeremy Horn. So, I leave you with one of my favorite songs recently because it so aptly describes what I need to do when fear encompasses and where my identity must lie...So here's Embrace the Cross

You came to earth,ransomed my soul
To pay the debt for my sinful choices
You embraced the cross and made it Your joy
To take up my sin,You laid down Your glory

Oh, I embrace the cross
Oh, I embrace, embrace the cross

May You be glorified. May You be lifted high
May You be magnified high above all things
For all the world to see all of Your majesty
All the compassion that waits at the cross

The blood from Your cross covers my life
What once was darkness, it has become light
The light of Your glory, a light to the world
A light that shines freedom, a light that shines hope

Oh, I embrace, embrace the cross

May You be glorified May You be glorified
May You be glorified. May You be glorified
May You be glorified. May You be glorified

Waits at the cross
Waits at the cross

Day Off in Center City (a week ago)

2010-01-17T22:52:00.010-05:00

I was greatly torn when I was given last Friday (1/08) off. I love the opportunity, but still being technically a temp I don't get paid for mandatory time off. So, to use the day to the best of my ability...in a cavalcade of photoblogging

As I stood waiting for the train at my Margaret-Orthodox station about to head into center city...oh brown leather shoes the places we've been.

If only this was my train, but as you can see...other side of the tracks (just a fan of the pic)

I know its touristy, & I've been there countless times...still, RTM is one of my favorite places in the city which I decided to stop in for a quick bite (didn't turn out so quick)...ended up spending most of the afternoon there.

Helpful hint to the traveler desiring awesome local cuisine on a budget, here's the best roast pork sandwich in Philly (dare I say in all of SE Pennsylvania). Nestled in the center thoroughfare of RTM, Tony Dinics (which has been given much recognition most recently on Man v. Food & rightfully so) makes the meanest Italian Roast Pork which in my opinion must be complemented w/their fresh sharp provolone broccoli rabe. Seriously, the sharpness of the cheddar meshes w/the bitterness of the greens w/the slow roasted pork...my mouth waters thinking of it (hey this was my day to cheat on my diet so I took full advantage). Notice the satisfied bite in the last pic...seriously, you've gotta try it.

So my goal was to walk a little more around the city after lunch, but I got distracted by a book I was determined to finish. Wild at Heart by John Eldredge (subtitled - Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul) prolonged my stay, & I was much obliged. After much scribbling/markings, I was greatly disenchanted w/my current state & longed for the "manhood" he so aptly described. Having received the book in November, I was determined to read a book that I'd purchased recently, and when I started I had to finish. As you can see, I had to purchased coffee (Old City...local & delightful) & a cupcake (quickly becoming my favorite guilty pleasure...this one happened to be made of lemon cake w/blackberry jam from The Flying Monkey...and I'm convinced that cupcakes must have a crunchy (not stale) consistency on the cap...big fan).

Whether it was the delightful cornucopia of local faire I enjoyed or the 15 minute stern lecture a mother gave her daughter on the L-train about the non-existence of Santa Claus or the guy who followed me for 2 blocks off the train trying to sell me cologne out of a suitcase (I did it once about 5 yrs ago & vowed never again) or the fact I got off two stops early so I could walk the extra 1.5 miles home or the evening of Chinese food & good conversation w/my roommate...this day (though not monetarily productive) was enjoyable as I relished in common grace.

Three Days into One

2010-01-09T09:44:00.005-05:00

So I have been good at taking pics, but not at posting. I even had yesterday off & still didn't...aarggh. ah well, better late than never.

(01/05/10)This would be one of the curricula for our group redemption which starts this coming Tuesday..pray, pray, pray for God's working. We've been praying for the last 3 months for those who would come, for God to prepare & equip us, & that the gospel would be clear and revealed as the source of overcoming addictions. We'd appreciate your prayers as we seek to further the kingdom.

(01/06/10) With my new found love for exercise came a desire to eat better. Just showing one of my first examples w/some baked tilapia (if there's a healthier way to cook it, please advise), peas&carrots (forrest gump analogy if you get it), & some kiwi (becoming one of my favorite fruits...right up there w/pears).

(01/07/10) Yes, more fish...mahi, mahi this time...marinated (one in honey dijon (not again) & one in italian dressing w/parmesan (good idea...really soaked in the fish & gave a nice flavor). Three of my first four meals this week were fish...love my local grocer. I stocked up on much fish, pork, veggies, & fruit and am really enjoying the effects of a non-wasteful, healthier lifestyle. And oh, btw, went to the gym 4 days in a row (evidence of grace if there ever was one)...feeling really victorious this week & hope/pray it continues (would love it if you prayed with me). Well, my day off adventure will have come later today...appreciate you reading & hope you continue to see God in the every day situations.

The start of a beautiful relationship...hopefully

2010-01-04T23:19:00.004-05:00

So, I finally found a gym in my area that has all I wanted/need...1.) 24hr accessibility, 2.) cheap ($10/month is ridiculously good), 3.) close proximity (15mins, but it's on my way to work), 4.) month-to-month membership (in case I throw in the towel)...not too many frills, but it gets the job done when its 23 degrees out in the morning, & I'm already hard to motivate to go running on a regular basis.

Now, a moment of common grace.

A Restful Weekend

2010-01-04T19:30:00.003-05:00

I can't say it enough...I love, love, love Sundays. Yesterday was no exception, & the sermon was poignant and appropriate. Continuing on the Psalms of Ascent series w/Ps. 122 entitled "We should delight in gathering down here until we gather up there". As the Psalmist describes his joy in coming to the temple in Jerusalem, we should delight in gathering as a body b/c we meet with God, give thanks in receiving from God, and build up each other.

Good encouragement as we met in small groups afterward to reflect on the Word & pursue building one another up. Battling pride through focusing on what God has done not in what he hasn't given us & owning our pride as sin.

The pic is from afterward...continuing with rest & according to John Eldridge in our male pursuit to have a "battle to fight/adventure to live" (sorry no beauty's to rescue in this one), we wasted away the afternoon in COD: Modern Warfare 2 revelry...I may be terrible at it, but enjoy the camaraderie.

I know using a camera phone is not the first choice especially when trying to journal w/photos...but I like to think I'm starting a trend (at least until I fix my camera).

P.S. Don't worry no children were neglected in the taking of this picture...she's a big COD fan too.

Day 2

2010-01-02T23:48:00.002-05:00

Spent about an hour w/my good friend here...Pandora was my catalyst & the song in my heart was the motivation.

Spent about an hour w/another good friend (a human one) this morning talking about struggles, working through our salvation w/meekness & fear, & resting in the Savior.

Spent about an hour w/a bank manager for my 2nd interview (with that branch; 6th interview total) & was brought to a deep realization that I am not in a better position w/this job than w/o it...tough to come to grips with b/c of the last 3mths of back & forth.

Spent a few hours this evening w/good friends rejoicing in grace, enjoying fellowship, and reminiscing...thanks again Matzkos for opening your home.

And now, your moment of common grace.

2010: An Urban Odyssey

2010-01-02T18:02:00.007-05:00

Not sure why I'm so excited about this year...maybe I know something you don't. Maybe, I'm just pumped about grace, & know God has some pretty crazy things in store this year. Or maybe its because its less than a year and a half before the Lord comes back (mark your calendars). In all seriousness, I'm determined to follow through with things this year...we'll see. My first attempt is an idea tweeted by a friend to photojournalize this next year...Project 365 they call it. I may not follow the rules (try to find a pic that summarizes your day), but here goes.

More like "$.99 Taquitos. Constipation Solved" or "$.99 Taquitos. Don't even bother trying to leave the bathroom tonight" or "$.99 Taquitos. Pepto is in aisle 2".

Seriously, never had a desire to eat a taquito...though they served them at Calvary and on days I mournfully forgot my lunch. I pass about 3-4 of these convenience stores on my way to work, and my reaction was always the same...why...especially after the following description (1:11).

So hope you enjoyed yesterday's pic...kinda my "moment of zen"/common grace for the day.

God, who is rich in mercy...enough said

2009-12-17T10:27:00.003-05:00

It would be enough to say that God is filled with mercy don't you think? What else could I ask for than for a merciful God? One who looks past my indiscretions this week because I've been made alive through Jesus Christ. It's easy to look at this week and see my frustrations, faults, laziness, lack of mercy, selfishness, lack of meditating on the Word (stemming from a lack of reading the Word), indecision, monumental doubt, mockery, contempt, corrupt speach, pride, and the list could go on indefinitely.

The great gift comes in the Holy Spirit using unusual means to bring about repentance. Don't know if I'm completely there as I'm still in the process of naming my sin from just the first part of this week and expressing gratitude for Christ's covering of those transgressions.

As I hit the play button on my cd player this morning I'd left DC*B's Church Music in from yesterday night, and it started playing. When I got to #9, I was already under conviction, but that conviction turned to the welling up of tears (which I'd say is quite embarrassing with 20+ co-workers with 20 feet of my desk). Each time I repeated the song another lyric or part of the "How He Loves" brought me to the point of tears, and I continued to repeat over the past hour and a half as I started naming my sin. I was greatly reminded of what GRACE has done and how I'm covered in it. As John Piper says, "we should realize we're in a pit and when we stand up we're dripping with more grace". I wish I could put up the video, but my work compute blocks sites with "streaming media" so look it up on youtube then read Ephesians 2:1-10 (this passage kept echoing through my mind while the song played) & tell me what you think and in what ways you're reminded of what indelible grace and abounding mercy have done for you.

"How He Loves"
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

Redemption's a Journey Best taken Slow.

2009-12-14T23:06:00.004-05:00

If you asked me what I do for my livelihood, my response wouldn't be long or filled with glowing terminology and enthusiastic rhetoric. My initial reaction would be to point out the only positive that I can conceive which was the time I spent listening to sermons, lectures, podcasts, etc. while tabulating mindless information with every keystroke. I speak in the past sense because my musical device, my fortress from bored-itude, my cherished ipod sits in a drawer lifeless and useless bearing the battle scars of the infamous red "x". So as I toil these days shuffling from cd to cd interchanging rechargeable batteries as needed, I've recently been driven to cut out the noise altogether and spend time thinking, pondering, musing. Flashes of people and images come into mind as I meander through the inner recesses utilizing the time to pray for needs, contemplate reality, finagle my weekly schedule around often with much brain-wrinkling, and ruminate ideas for new/recent ventures.

The most recent of these ventures happens to be a Redemption Group started by GBC to minister "reconciliation for those who are enslaved to the sin of substance abuse". Now, I am the last person that I expected to be involved with something of this genre relating to spiritual development/counseling. But as I've considered the daunting task over the last few months, I am reminded of why I'm so compelled by urban ministries, why God called me to NE Philadelphia, and how He's continuing to poke holes in my theological balloon.

As we've met as a group preparing for our initial meetings, our continual desire has been for God to be made much of in spite of us, to give us grace and wisdom in bringing others to the knowledge of the gospel, and continuing to see but for the grace of God how I/we could be in the same dire straights as those we counsel. I so often make good things an idol just as a crack-addict does his next fix or an alcoholic the next drink. The goal is to exalt the Savior and rest dependence on Him not an addiction, not an excuse because of environment or heredity, not the ability to "conquer" abuse by following steps and bolster one's self-righteousness. My sin must be viewed properly as my fault, and grace must be completely His doing for "success" and true power over sin/abuse.

Surprisingly in the monotony of my work schedule, I've seen my job evidence this fact. One of my tasks (my main one for the past month), has been to assure the quality (QA) of statistical entries submitted by my co-workers before they're passed to my supervisor. When I originally started the process, I saw myself getting agitated at what I saw to be incompetence on my co-workers part. Often thinking "are you serious?", "what information are you looking at because that is not...?", "were you paying attention during training?", "come on, a trained chimpanzee could do this work", and so and so forth. The problem is I've probably similar or the same mistakes before, and I can't excuse my frustration because another person has inconvenienced me. What if a person I'm counseling that's suffering from a life-entrapping addiction seems to make progress then relapses and continues to spiral downward? What is my reaction going to be? What am I expecting of that person? perfection?

I was reminded of that tonight when Dan and I visited a local recovery group. Though we didn't mesh completely with their methodology, they were teaching Christ and drawing others to depend and rest in Him. Afterward, a member of the group who bore the scars of past addictions shook our hands and shared simple, but deep advice. He said, "have patience with your guys", and I was cut to the core. How true because Christ was and is so very patient with me so much should I be with others.

NEXT 2010

2009-11-30T10:19:00.005-05:00

What is NEXT?

"The vision of Next is to gather worshipers of Jesus Christ who burn with a passion to see the gospel transferred to the next generation. Next is about faithfully receiving the gospel—the message of Christ and him crucified–from those who have gone before us, holding fast to the gospel personally, and passing the gospel on to those coming after us.

The idea behind Next was born when Joshua Harris, still in his twenties, wanted to expose other young men and women to older pastors and theologians who had profoundly affected his life. Josh started the New Attitude conference as a way to bring thousands of younger people and dozens of faithful pastors together to transfer the gospel faithfully from one generation to the next. In 2008 New Attitude ended and now Next is born—an even more focused way of helping see the gospel transferred and received faithfully.

The focus of the conference is the younger generation: college students, singles, and young married couples. But if you are above the 18-29 year old range and have a passion to see gospel truth passed on, we welcome you as well."

Follow the link in the title for information including speakers, registration, & travel/lodging for the 2010 Conference during Memorial Day weekend (note: the days have changed from past years now starting on Friday & running until Monday). Registration starts tomorrow...Hope to see you there.

Pheels Like A Phil Wickham Phriday

2009-11-20T15:19:00.008-05:00

Whether or not this will be a regular occurrence remains to be seen. But, I am greatly encouraged by the music/lyrics of one Phil Wickham ever since I saw him open for DC*B in 2007. A conversation that I had recently went over reasons why a friend and I had mutual respect/enjoyment over Phil's music.

1.) Lyrics: Theologically sound words that weave together a picture of grace as it sways and breathes. I envision the majesty of the throne room of heaven as angels encircle the Father in his re-rendition of the classic hymn "Holy, Holy, Holy". My heart dances as I hear the Groom (Jesus) & the Bride (church)lavishing praises on each other in Divine Romance. The grace of the Father is brought to life in the words of Grace (2006):

"Grace I call Your name
Oh won't Your smile fall over me
I'm cracked and dry on hands and knees
Oh sweet grace rain down on me I need You grace"

2.) Leads to the Father: A good "worship" leader creates an atmosphere conducive to worshiping the Father (not that you can only worship by a "certain style"). But leaders like Phil are not a distraction or try to be bigger than the song as shown by the Singalong album available last year (according to the website won't be available again until Jan. 2010).

That's enough for fear I'll start focusing more on the person than the Father the person is exalting. So after listening to his new album "Heaven&Earth" (which just came out this past Tuesday (shameless plug)) twice every day (b/c if you pre-ordered, it came w/an acoustic version), I've grown to love it more and more in turn worshiping the Father more and more. Which brings us to the end through a humorous albeit disconcerting event today. After my morning in "Heaven", Jim Belcher's "Deep Church" made up my afternoon until I dropped my ipod which forced me to reset it leaving the last 3hrs of my day media-less, but this next song kept resonating throughout my head the rest of the day. I love it so I'm sharing it.

I'm leaving you with a song first featured on "Singalong" and the studio version is currently on "Heaven&Earth". Feel free to learn the chords or just sing-a-long with Phil (dont' worry this is a safe place...we won't judge your singing ability or the fact that you still use a hairbrush as a microphone).

Because of Your Love

Jesus you endured my pain
Savior you bore all my shame
All because of your love
All because of your love

Maker of the universe
Broken for the sins of the earth
All because of your love
All because of your love

Because of your cross my debt is paid
Because of you blood my sins are washed away
Now all of my life, I freely give
Because of your love, Because of your love I live

Innocent and Holy king
You died to set the captive free
All because of your love
Lord you gave your life for me
So I will give my life for you
All because of your love
All because of your love

Because of your cross my debt is paid
Because of your blood my sins are washed away
Now all of my life I freely give
Because of your love, because your love I live

You did it for me, you did it for love
It's your victory, Jesus you are enough x3

Hath been nine fortnights

2009-11-14T22:56:00.003-05:00

Hath been nine fortnights last I bloggeth with earnest anticipation to return with undeniable fervor and stalwart determination.
So in an effort to display my newly found tenacity, I commit (as often has been done before) to make this digital diary meaningful by posting consistently. The difference will be in the motivation. In past years, I've blogged for self-serving reasons such as padding my ego, keeping others updated on my life (however uninteresting), boosting my view #s, or guilt over months of not blogging.
I know I'm quoting myself, but I have a point if my about is true:

"My life is not my own, but meant to resonate the God who through His sovereignty created me, by His ardent love sent the Living Word to rescue heathens like me from deserving wrath, and with His indelible mercy restores in me what sin destroyed to refract the glory of the Almighty by the power of His Spirit."

then i have a lot of work to do. If God's grace is evident, He must be made much of in my life. So as I brood over the benevolence (hence the new title) of my great God and Savior and Spirit, those evidences of His grace must be made much of and this happens to be one of the possible ways I've chosen to do such brooding.
As I was contemplating a new title/direction, the word "brood" came up in my thesaurus with such pulchritudinous descriptions: "chafe inwardly", "consider", "daydream", "dwell upon", "muse", "ponder", "ruminate", "stew over", "sweat over", "languish", "anguish over", and my favorite "eat one's heart out". As these words sum up my current rediscovery and inspection of Scripture and God, I hope and pray for grace to illumine my eyes and guide my fingertips as they chronicle evidences of benevolence (common & special) in and around my life.

I leave you with a verse & a hymn that I've been stewing over recently. In an institute course at my church, we've been studying John Piper's "Whey We Believe The Bible" and he offered the following verse to appeal the father when reading & meditating on Scripture:

"Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of your law." - Ps. 119:18

and a hymn,

Only You

Take my heart, I Lay it down
At the feet of you whose crowned
Take my life, I’m letting go
I lift it upto You who’s throned

And I will worship You, Lord
Only You, Lord
And I will bow down before You
Only You Lord

Take my fret, take my fear
All I have, I’m leaving here
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams
Be all my delights, be my everything

And It’s just you and me here now
Only you and me here now

You should see the view
When it’s only You

*David Crowder

Sovereign Grace

2009-07-11T11:51:00.004-04:00

I don't think that I can truly express the effect of Sovereign Grace Ministries in my life over the past few years. I think my first "unknowing" experience was to I Kissed Dating Goodbye during Freshman Orientation/Purity...not necessarily the best induction, but I can see God using it even then. From there it was resources from primarily CJ Mahaney that drew my attention. Culminating in the New Attitude (now NEXT) Conference in Louisville, KY in '07, I was hooked by their passion to live their lives not only passionately in love w/the God of Scripture, but in pursuing Him daily through allowing Scripture to penetrate, convict, and restore. I was overwhelmed by their theological richness from their music to their messages to their personal interactions.

Now attending GBC and seeing that influence permeate every pore of the leadership and laity is refreshing. From the Pastor's Conference this past April, in Ian's interview you can see the progression to adoption by Sovereign Grace this past Sunday. God has truly worked, and I cannot wait to see how He will continue to use this relationship to glorify Himself through the instruments at GBC to affect NE Philly.

One more resource/plug for Sovereign Grace: After attending NEXT '09 in Baltimore this past Memorial Day weekend, I was once again freshly affected by the music of Sovereign Grace, and they recorded a live album during the times of musical preparedness for God's Word. I just downloaded it the other day for $5 and have loved it so much I thought I'd pass it on.

New Home

2009-06-19T21:15:00.005-04:00

Pic of the stromboli i got tonight at the place across the street from my house. My first thought was it looks like a boomerang...my next was, I should have gotten the small.

My new favorite cheesesteak place in the city mainly b/c its 5 minutes from my house.

A parting shot of two of my students that I've had for the past four years since 7th grade...gonna miss them.

One final shot of my Sophomore homeroom on our last day of classes.

As of last Saturday, I am officially a resident of great city of Philadelphia...and what better way did I celebrate but with a cheesesteak whiz/with...which any local could tell you means 12 inches of sliced beef on a soft roll w/onions and cheese whiz. I know it may not sound too appetizing, but is truly divine...it may just be further confirmation of God's leading.

A new occupation is my current concern...after flirting with teaching (again), getting a cdl, tutoring, and even applying at the post office. I haven't gone to Mcdonalds yet even though there is one across the street...I have considered Chick-fil-A though. My options are completely open. I'd love something in the nps...seriously giving tours in philly would be a blast in my opinion. So I have some work next week in checking this out more. Pray as I seek out a job in the philly/NJ area.

Fresh Perspective

2009-02-12T15:44:00.002-05:00

I was talking to a couple of friends this afternoon discussing life, purpose, struggles, and I was reminded again of why God made us relational beings. I need encouragement and fellowship, but I also need a swift kick in the pants sometimes. Today, I received all. As I continue to struggle with where God is placing me as his plans for Philly unfold, He reminded me through a friend's exhortation that my perspective was off completely. I was focusing so much on what's next that I wasn't focusing and serving where I am at now.

I remember a often-used phrase from the president of the college I attended which was
"Be where you are". I haven't been, but I've been coasting where I'm at looking at the lush grass on the other side of the fence...and I'm drooling just thinking about what's next. I know God is moving me to Philly to be closer to Grace and the city, but as I await where He's leading job-wise, I've been getting restless.

So, today was definitely a gentle, yet prodding reminder of His grace that renews every morning to fuel every step, every breath, every word, every motive to glorify Himself through me. I love being reliant on grace to get me through. It's such an encouraging reminder when I start trying to do it all on my own. Thanks be to God for his grace and for godly friends that show their love by admonishing.

A New Beginning

2008-09-27T11:53:00.010-04:00

I haven't updated in a while and this is whats been happening for over a year w/this blog...I feel bad for the 1st few weeks after I don't blog then I completely forget for about 4 months until somebody reminds me (usually my brother) that I haven't updated in a while so I start feeling guilty again...then I finally update 2-3 weeks later and here we have come to.

I'm sure nobody faithfully comes to this blog b/c you'd have no reason to. But to those who stumble upon..I'm turning over a new leaf in this area and promising to update once a week no matter what. So, a little update: I finished my 3rd year teaching and have since started my 4th. This summer's highlights were 1st: trip to Thailand (more pics coming later in the post), joining a new body of believes in NE Philly (Grace Bible), numerous weddings, working part-time for a petfood distributor (not really a highlight, but it happened this summer), prepping for a new school year (including prepping several hours for a class I didn't end up teaching (and never will)), attending my 1st civil war reenactment (Gettysburg...intense), and finally, coming to a revelation of God's furthering will for my life. So, definitely eventful in some ways...and in some ways not so much.

I'll update more later, but thought I'd share some pics from my trip to Thailand which was three months ago now...enjoy :)

Lounging out at the Airport in Anchorage, Alaska on our way to Taiwan

The Bus Terminal in front our hotel in Surin, Thailand

Pig Faces in the Outdoor market in Surin

Doing tricks at the Elephant Village

Riding the Elephants w/one of my students

Courtney, Stephen, & I with some of the students at the Sirindhorn School

Shaun & Sallie enjoying the local faire

Which included Fried crickets...yum...kind of salty, yet satisfying.

At the next school, the teens were treated like celebrities and everyone wanted their pictures.

3-on-3 basketball tournament

Teen testimonies after the basketball tournament

Lunch after the Sunday morning service on Thai tables.

Surin Baptist Church, our wonderful host church

Jim & Kathi Hayes, our wonderful hosts for the week, missionaries to Thailand for over 30 years.

Pictures from the Grand Palace in Bangkok, one of the great sites in all of Buddhism...the intricate buildings and statues demonstrate the importance of their religion to Thai culture.

Offering up small sacrifices on the road to completing the Four-fold path of Buddhism.

Jordan & Matt posing w/the Palace guards (very similar to the non-moving guards at Buckingham Palace)

Chris & Courtney decided to test 'em...they still don't move.

More Palace pics.

Good reminder...don't trust strangers :)

One of my favorite pics...its been my screen saver for the last month or so...the Temple of Dawn.

Pic from the water taxi we took to the Imperial Palace

Even Ronald McDonald knows how they roll in Bangkok giving the traditional Thai greeting..."Sawatdi krap"

My awesome travel group: Tina, Matt, & Kate...boy don't they look tired and this is before our 18 hour plane ride home! Ah yeah, Phillies representin' even in Thailand.

"New"s

2008-03-09T21:06:00.002-04:00

Quick update since time management and organization with a blog haven't been a strong point. Its probably a good thing that I'm not overly obsessed with writing too much, but I'd like to keep the faithful few updated on my life as it concerns them.

This past month (February) has been packed with several new beginnings, attempts at reform, and promises made and broken. Early in the month I joined a gym which is exciting because for those who haven't seen me in the post-college years...I desperately need it. It convicted me each time I would (and still does) teach health and P.E. that the most out of shape person was the teacher. Well, I joined...I have only been a few times in the past few weeks and not every missed opportunity was validated.

This month I put a deposit on a trip that I'm taking this summer with our church teen group to Thailand...I'm excited and hesitant at the same time. Its hard for me to foresee God working then when I'm still waiting for finances to come in. I don't have the faith that it will come in, and I recognize that. I've tried a couple of futile avenues to raise finances that haven't come to fruition yet.

About mid-February, I actually started the most exciting of the three endeavors (as of right now). I joined a business team in the Southern PA are called LTD that works in helping companies transition onto the web through marketing and advertising. I didn't think it was for me at first because I don't like to sell things (because thats what I thought I was doing), I didn't think I had the time or money, and I've seen people do things similar to this one and they've alienated people. I'm excited because its not like a job even though it is...I just share new ways of doing things, new products that help toward healthier living, and I have fun doing it. I'd like to explain it more, but its a little complicated to do so and I don't think a blog is the place. Its great because we're going through an expansion phase right now and we're looking for sharp, ambitious people who'd like to make extra money...so if you know of any body you know how to contact me:)

In February I participated in worship with Shane & Shane, Starfield, and Bethany Dillon in Paoli, PA...probably the best concert that I've been to and I've been to a good many in my 24 years. A few weeks later we saw Caedmon's Call and Derek Webb at PBU...I greatly enjoyed it, but kinda missed not hearing some of their classics, but how can I complain because it was still awesome.

The retreat at camp this year was great...nobody died tubing though some got close (seriously not good). The theme was humility and something I have been st-ruggling with for as long as I can remember. God has been continuing to work in my life through situations, circumstances, sermons, individuals to confront me in this...He is so big and so great yet I still think I have a great handle on things myself. I need to just surrender and hold nothing back because he's withheld no good thing from me.

March should be an exciting month if I apply the things I've been taught and heard the past few weeks. I look forward to hopefully seeing a few of you in the next few weeks if I get to traveling...as my business grows it should allow for more time this summer which is less than 3 months away...awesome!! Can't wait, but while I'm here where I am now I must continue to serve and follow. May God continue to uphold you with His right hand.

Still Thankful!

2007-12-15T12:35:00.000-05:00

In the midst of what seems to be a storm, God continues to prove Himself worthy to be trusted! Amazing how He keeps showing me even though He doesn't have to. This semester has had its ups and downs, and I'm glad that He's been faithful. Posting a few clips of ways to express my thankfulness...which is often expressed in song!

Before There Was Time by Caedmon's Call in Trappe, PA.
(free concert about 10 minutes from my old house)
Navigation: C \ Caedmon's Call \ Before There Was Time

Before there was time
There were visions in Your mind
There was death in the fall of mankind
But there was life in salvation's design

Before there were days
There were nights I could not see Your face
But the night could not keep me from grace
When You came and took my place

Chorus

So I cry holy only begotten Son of God
Ancient of days
I cry holy only begotten Son of God
And sing the praises
Of the One who saved me
And the promises He made

Before there was time
You counted the hairs on my head
You knew all the words I've said
And You purchased me back from the dead

Before I was made
You searched me and knew my ways
You numbered all my days
And You set forth the steps I would take

You saved me; You raised me
You saved me; You pulled me from the grave

Chorus 2x

So I cry holy only begotten Son of God
Ancient of days
I cry Holy only begotten Son of God
And sing the praises
Of the one who saved me
And the promises He made
Before there was time

Here Is Our King by the David Crowder Band at the Electric Factory in Philly.
Sorry the audio isn't the greatest. The "jumping for Jesus" is interesting...these people were very joyful about who God is (a good reminder).

From wherever spring arrives
To heal the ground
From wherever searching comes the look itself
A trace of what we’re looking for
So be quiet now and wait

Chorus 1:
The ocean is growing
The tide is coming in
Here it is

Chorus 2:
Here is our king, here is our love
Here is our God Who’s come
To bring us back to him
He is the one, he is Jesus, Jesus

And what was said to the rose
To make it unfold
Was said to me here in my chest
So be quiet now and rest

Chorus 1

Chorus 2

Majesty, finally
Majesty, finally here

Chorus 2

Majesty, finally

Boston Recap

2007-11-09T20:31:00.001-05:00

The past few weeks have been extremely busy...I'm not the greatest at words so I'm gonna post a lot of pics/videos if I can.

First off, pics from this summer when my friend Weez and I went to Boston in August.

Beautiful City

Union Oyster House (America's Oldest Restaurant) had some wicked clam chowder!!

Boston Skyline at Night

And of course....the whole reason we came!!! They actually lost that day, but we all know the end result...GO SOX!!!

Harvard...could never go there as a student, but amazing campus..

This video sums up the entire trip in a nutshell

2 weeks in to school...man I'm pooped

2007-09-13T17:07:00.000-04:00

I haven't updated in a while so, I'll list a few things that have happened since my last post:
1.) Went to Boston w/a friend from Greenville (will post pics. soon)
2.) Then traveled to Delaware and Virginia Beach for a few days before school began
3.) Tried to work in my classroom the week before inservice, but they were painting
4.) Found out they couldn't paint b/c I had mold in my classroom which has since been removed(will post pics later)
5.) Started school last Tuesday and also came down with the flu at the same time.
6.) Jump started my tennis career by playing 5 different times in the past week.
7.) Decided to move my residency to a house 5 minutes closer to school for about half the rent each month (praise the Lord the move will be happening by the end of this month)
8.) Lost my internet at home earlier this week because they never sent us a bill then decided to cancel it (and b/c I'm moving...I'm not worried about it...I just can't email at night for the next few weeks)
9.) Went to a free Caedmon's Call concert on Sunday at a Lutheran church nearby (pics and video soon)
10.)Have been killing myself to stay on top of grading/lesson plans/daily routine with a heavier class load this year
11.) Taking a seminary class on Wednesday nights entitled "Counseling Principles"
12.) Finally received my books from Desiring God about 2 weeks ago...and just read A God-Entranced Vision of All Things
13.) Going on the Singles Mtn. retreat after the soccer/vball games tomorrow night
14.) Will be riding/driving 17hrs. next weekend to Minnesota for Dan Birkholz & Jodi Ostergard's wedding
15.) have been drooling for the last half hour over the 80GB/160GB ipod classic...and contemplating how I can justify buying one.
16.) Am realizing that God has a reason for upset plans, tough decisions, disappointments, frustrations, times I lack faith and am indecisive...He's preparing me for something and looking for my good.

The Long Night is Over

2007-08-10T07:53:00.000-04:00

I continue to praise God for His sustaining grace in my life through this summer. For those who know, I've been working 3rd shift for the past 10 weeks at a fiber-manufacturing plant. I took the job to give me extra income for the summer to pay off bills, save some, take a trip or two w/friends, and I thank God for that.

What I never expected was the physical anguish that I would have to endure while working there. I know it may seem like nothing, but to me it was all I could do (and drenched in God's grace) to keep myself from not quittting almost every night. I have severe foot pain b/c of flat feet that I've never had significant problems with, but working 8hrs. straight on concrete really takes its toll. It got so bad there were days I had to call off work b/c I couldn't walk down the stairs.

Well, by God's providential design he directed me to an amazing podiatrist who helped with drugs (oh, sweet pills), new insoles, and a great running store for shoes that are designed to help. Crazy thing is he said my feet are a little spastic so gotta go back in a few weeks w/x-rays to see if he's right. Another little tidbit of extra goodness, my primary physician along w/spending 2minutes in the exam room looked at my feet and said "wow, those are flat" then proceeded to tell me that I've got high blood pressure....by God's working again, He helped curb another issue while I was so focused on something else.

All that to say God is great, and His grace has sustained in spite of my weakness. I look at this and say how miniscule this in when others are suffering from debilitating/life-threatening diseases or devastating poverty. The amazing thing is the God who is concerned for the suffering looks at me w/that same gracious gaze.

Driving on my way to work, psyched about my last night (btw not smart to take a flash pic while driving)

Here was my work area for the last 10 weeks winding reels of fiber onto other reels...exciting.

New Playlist

2007-08-08T12:14:00.000-04:00

Music is a great outlet to praise God for who He is and magnifying His great works. I take this seriously and pray that by this next entry as well as the music portrayed you will see a greater reflection of God as He shows Himself off.

Recently, I added a playlist to my blog (per the resourcefulness and ingenuity of my sis-in-law (thanks Sarah). I thought I would present my reasoning behind each...generally, to glorify my God and Savior with some lightheartedness as well. I know they're a lot of songs here, but I could seem to let any go (If you do listen to one listen to #8)

1.) BELOVED by DEREK WEBB - What a reminder as Christ's beloved!!! We so want to live under laws and restrictions rather than free as Christ has made us:

"beloved there is nothing more
no more blessings and no more rewards
than the treasure of my body and blood
given freely to all daughters and sons"

2.) YEARN by SHANE & SHANE - one of my favorite songs ever b/c its my heart's desire. Also hearing the passion in the voices and b/c of lyrics like this "You give life and breath/through Him You give all things/in Him we live and move/THAT'S WHY I SING!

3.) IMAGO by SHAWN MCDONALD - a little flaminco flare on the guitar (which I love) that kind of makes you feel like you're in a stadium watching the bull/matador standoff. "Imago" means maturity and something that I'm striving for in my relationship w/God.

4.) ENOUGH by Chris Tomlin - My God and Savior is MORE THAN ENOUGH...enough said.

5.) PRAISE YOU IN THIS STORM by CASTING CROWNS - God never promised to rid our lives of every trial and obstacle, but promised He'd be there. What greater reason to pray and trust when we can't see the end, but know the one who's already written it.

6.) A NEW LAW by DEREK WEBB - The thing I love about Derek Webb is his desire to see the body grow and to not always put it in palatable terms. As Christians, we want the easy answers or the "easy" way around something w/o wrestling through the situation/issue (even seeming contradictions in Scripture). I've seen this w/my students when they're expressions yell just give us the answer (or sometimes they actually say it), but don't want to take the time to learn something for themselves.

7.) WEDDING DRESS by DEREK WEBB - If you haven't figured out...I love Derek Webb. What a message: "I am a whore I do confess/But I put you on just like a wedding dress/and I run down the aisle, and I run down the aisle/I'm a prodigal with no way home/but I put you on just like a ring of gold/and I run down the aisle to you" I hate the phrase "saved by the skin of my teeth" b/c we in no way are if we've been impacted by grace, God's grace. I don't think this song is saying that, but that we're as Gomer did whoring around w/materialism, backbiting, dissension, the trappings of culture while Hosea waits patiently. Christ has called us to Himself, and we are His bride awaiting the wedding day, but are we squandering His grace by fulfilling every other pursuit except for Him (this song speaks on so many levels of my own life),

8.) I WILL LIFT MY EYES by BEBO NORMAN - IF YOU'VE MADE IT THIS FAR, YOU HAVE TO HEAR THIS SONG!!!! Although most of these you could call favorites, this is the most recent one that I play over and over and over.

9.) NOTHING WITHOUT YOU by BEBO NORMAN - communicating my hearts cry once again. Its Romans 3 combined w/so many of the Psalms...we're nothing w/o Christ, but in reflection of that I will glorify Him by showing the world I'm nothing
w/o Him...wow!!

10.) BE NEAR by SHANE & SHANE - what better than to rest in the closeness of an almighty God that desires to be near to us!!

11.) OUR GREAT GOD by FERNANDO ORTEGA - Fernando Ortega has a great grasp on God and in using scripture w/his music to portray it. HALLELUJAH to our great God...oh what eternity will be like praising you forever.

12.) GIVE ME JESUS by FERNANDO ORTEGA - not sure who the other guys are (maybe the authors), but Fernando is singing here and echoing my life's prayer until I leave this earthen vessel to have more of Him.

13.) WHEN GOD RAN by PHILLIPS, CRAIG, & DEAN - My eyes are welling up again as I listen to it...what grace by an almighty, omnipotent, awesome God. First heard this back at Northern Park in Greenwood, IN, and it remains a favorite reminder of my great God's love

14.) SHINE ON US by PHILLIPS, CRAIG, & DEAN - Reminds me of a Piper message that I listened again to earlier this week "Oh, that I may fall deeper into debt to grace". More grace dripping from ever part of us...we need more grace each day to sustain us.

15.) THE EVERLASTING by THIRD DAY - Because of lines like these, I love this song (its sweating truth):
"Through the raging of the seas
The hills proclaim Your majesty
All these things created for
The glorifying of the Lord
We praise Your name forevermore"

16.) WONDERFUL, MERCIFUL SAVIOUR by SELAH - I remember first hearing Selah at a concert back in '98 when they came to Greenwood with Third Day. I know P,C,&D sing it, but I love the rendition I heard it first from. I'm glad to see songs like this one picked up by Calvary and other churches that I've been to. "YOU ARE THE ONE OUR HEARTS ALWAYS HUNGER FOR."

17.) OFFERING by THIRD DAY - Such awesome lyrics (yet another reason why Offerings II is my most worn-out CD)

Magnificent Holy Father
I stand in awe of all I see
Of all the things You have created
But still You choose to think of me

Who am I that You should suffer
Your very life to set me free
The only thing that I can give You
Is the life You gave to me

This is my offering, dear Lord
This is my offering to You, God
And I will give You my life
For it’s all I have to give
Because You gave Your life for me

I stand before You at this altar
So many have given You more
I may not have much I can offer
Yet what I have is truly Yours

This is my offering

18.) YOU'RE GRACE STILL AMAZES ME by PHILLIPS, CRAIG, & DEAN - This song was sung by two guys from my church during last year and this year along w/a presentation of clips from the PASSION. It was shown to the teens and then the church then a card w/everybody's name was driven into a wooden cross by nails...a powerful reminder of God's overwhelming grace

19.) LOVE SONG by THIRD DAY - A Song from Christ's perspective of his love for us who were so undeserving.
"I know that you don't understand
the fullness of My love
How I died upon the cross for your sins
And I know that you don't realize
how much that I gave you
But I promise, I would do it all again.

Just to be with you, I've done everything
There's no price I did not pay
Just to be with you, I gave everything
Yes, I gave my life away."

20.) ALL THE HEAVENS by THIRD DAY - Once again, and I'm sorry, but the words are way too good for me not to have them.

As Your children gather in peace
All the angels sing in Heaven
In Your temple all that I seek
Is to glimpse Your holy presence

All the heavens cannot hold You, Lord
How much less to dwell in me?
I can only make my one desire
Holding on to Thee

All the angels exalt You on high
What a kingdom to depart!
But You left Your throne in the sky
Just to live inside my heart

I will always make my one desire
Holding on to Thee

21.) EVERYBODY LOVES A NUT by JOHNNY CASH - Well, I had to add something my Johnny, and this one's a little less known. But oh my goodness, isn't this hilarious and reminds me of what the world should think of me as a Christian (a "Jesus" nut).

22.) THIS SIDE by NICKEL CREEK - love Nickel Creek and they're so talented...preface that I "love their earlier style".

23.) AINT THAT A KICK IN THE HEAD by DEAN MARTIN - undeniably Dean-o...love the crooners and he's my favorite.

24.) THAT'S LIFE by FRANK SINATRA - 'ol blue eyes...I don't care for the message in some of his songs, but it reminded me of the hope I have in Christ can bring me past the problems of this world greater than any self-help guru or psychological motivation.

25.) QUANDO, QUANDO, QUANDO by MICHAEL BUBLE - in the nature of Deano and Franky, Buble is quickly establishing himself as the crooner for a new generation...love the duet as well.

26.) NOT TOO LATE by NORAH JONES - love Norah Jones...don't know why really, maybe its the smoky, sultry voice combined w/the piano. I like the following line: "I've seen people try to change,/And I know it isn't easy,/But nothin' worth the time never really is." Reminds me that its personally never too late to change or to continually hold others in prayer that I might humanly consider it too late for.

Desiring God Sale (Today and Tomorrow)

2007-06-27T09:58:00.001-04:00

I'm not usually a sounding board for for "too good it can't be true", but you just can't pass this up (because it is true). If you haven't heard yet, Desiring God is offering all books, bibles, study guides for only $5. Today (June 27th) and Tomorrow (June 28th) only though so hurry. It is worth it believe me. Even if you own several or all of Piper's books, then given some away to others. What better gift for a birthday or preemptive Christmas gift than a little Desiring God

My personal favorites are Future Grace, God's Passion for His Glory, Dangerous Duty of Delight, and Let the Nations Be Glad. You don't have to sign up for anything and supplies are unlimited...really, don't take my word for it b/c its all over the website. So check out Desiring God under the blog heading for the #5 sale only for the next two days.

Seeking God in Worship

2007-06-23T21:00:00.000-04:00

Read Bob Kauflin's recent blog updated yesterday on our part in worship. A good explanation of the balance there should be in corporate worship.

Also noted is a song written by Bob Kauflin that is quickly becoming a favorite:

Your glorious cause, O God, engages our hearts
May Jesus Christ be known wherever we are
We ask not for ourselves, but for your renown
The cross has saved us so we pray
Your kingdom come

Let Your kingdom come
Let Your will be done
So that everyone might know Your Name
Let Your song be heard everywhere on earth
Till Your sovereign work on earth is done
Let Your kingdom come

Give us Your strength, O God, and courage to speak
Perform Your wondrous deeds through those who are weak
Lord use us as You want, whatever the test
By grace we’ll preach Your gospel till
Our dying breath

Let Your kingdom come
Let Your will be done
So that everyone might know Your Name
Let Your song be heard everywhere on earth
Till Your sovereign work on earth is done
Let Your kingdom come

Recognition of Christ's glorification in our weakness.

2007-06-22T17:59:00.000-04:00

The past couple of weeks have brought a familiar passages to mind and in my study:
"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it in hope; because the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now. Not only that, but we also who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body" (Rom. 8:18-23).
Oh, how I wish to be delivered from the body of this death..to rid myself of pride, bitterness, anger, laziness, lust, improper motives, selfishness, and numerous other vices. But the more I want to be delivered, I see my focus inclining on how I can fix or better my situation while losing focus on the only one who gives proper perspective. Why am I put in this flesh when all my spirit wants is to be with Him? My body almost seems to literally groan within me to be free. So, as Paul puts it or suffering is to evoke greater passion for God and the glory which will be revealed at some preordained date not for me to reflect on the actual glorification in me, but for the all-satisfying source to be glorified even more.

As well in 2 Corinthians, Paul receiving direct revelation of the Spirit (and for our further edification) was brought to the astonishing realization in chapter 12 about suffering (whether physical or other). In verses 9:10, God tells Paul " ' My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reporaches, in needs, in persectuions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." I've been struggling with this and I even quoted it a few times this week when people approached me about something I've been physically dealing with recently. Did I believe it though? That my weakness is meant to further exalt my Creator and sustainer. To my chagrin, I can not say that was my reasoning. It was to cause others feel pity or to make my struggle/infirmity seem less drastic to myself. After further reflection today and humiliation over my selfishness, I can truly sat that He is further exalted by every ounce of weakness in me because it pronounces to all that He is worthy to be trusted in. So, when a struggle is brought, there is no greater realization than Christ's greater magnification through our utter dependency on Him.

New Attitude '07: Humble Orthodoxy

2007-05-30T22:57:00.000-04:00

This past Memorial Day Weekend, I had the pleasure along with 5 members of Grace Bible in Philly to attend the New Attitude: Humble Orthodoxy Conference in Louisville, Kentucky. We headed down Friday night for to register and attend the first session on Discernment by Josh Harris, pastor of Covenant Life Church in Gaithersburg, Maryland. So, the topic was discernment...not sure what to expect from the conference as a whole or from each speaker, but I knew God had strategically placed each man to unpack the Scripture in an expositional, well-versed manner. I want to give a brief recap though you can listen to each of the messages at the website which the people at New Attitude (Sovereign Grace) have so graciously provided free of charge. On the website you can also check the live blogs, daily messages, photos, etc.

As directed in our community/family groups which we met in (groups of 10 or so) each morning for prayer/worship/application, I boiled down in a nutshell the conference: "Knowing and Applying Truth for the Glory of God and Exultation of the gospel."

So, I'll do my best to reduce my thoughts on each message to that "irreducible minimum". Beginning with Harris' Discernment message: Why should one examine discernment? 1.) Discernment is not so cut and dry & 2.) It is a matter of life and death. God's glory is at stake. We have to ask for it, study God's Word to gain it, and follow it. This requires 1.) resistance to a godless/materialistic view of life, 2.) a Renewal that is constant and on-going based on God's truth, and 3.) Action required b/c of a response to the gospel.

Good introduction to the idea of discernment from a man who I've come to respect especially his humility after having coffee with him on Sunday morning (interesting story...the ninjas were responsible), and I would recommend his latest book "Stop Dating the Church: Fall in Love with the Family of God" especially Chapter 5 on the ten steps to choosing a church.

Well, I'll be adding more as the days unfold and as I have time...Dever's message Sunday morning on Discerning our Doctrine was as Eric Simmons stated "a firehose" type message. A concise, to the point message that was packed with content...never prolonging a point to redundancy. Basic idea from his message was discerning primary (essential) and secondary (non-essential) doctrines. He used a 4-fold test for determining primary doctrines: 1.) How clear is it in Scripture, then 2.) How clear do others think it is in Scripture, then ow near is it (or its implications) to the gospel, and finally 4.) what would the effects be doctrinally if disagreement were to take place. So essentially, God (one and triune), the Bible (inspired and God-revealed), and the gospel (incarnation and atonement) are our common points. He stated that "disagreement is okay as long as they can not be distracted by those disagreements" and disagreeing well involved honoring the other party in love, listening humbly, and partaking in open dialogue. So, in a nutshell: "In essentials (primary doctrines): unity, in non-essentials (secondary doctrines): diversity, and in all things: love"!!

As you can tell it was a challenging conference. The call was to listen to truth (whether sung or preached), allow it to impact your life, and progress in sanctification (in spite of opposition) by following truth. I'll have to share more because time escapes me. But if you've made it this far, Praise be to God for his boundless grace and mercy in showing me truth in a manifold perspective.

Trusting..

2007-04-19T22:30:00.000-04:00

Tonight at Bible study we went over Proverbs 3:1-12, focusing on verse 5 & 6. I'm becoming more aware of certain ideas presented and how they affect my relationship with God. "Trusting" or dependence on God "with all my heart" is this believing that He is able to do what he wills, that He is also wise and good, according to his promise, to do what is best for us/me, if we love him, and serve him. Its not a reliance on anything that I am able to do or resting on myself as a failsafe when God doesn't come through for me...its leaning on his understanding that he knows what's best for me. Next, if I'm "in all ways acknowledging him" that means when times are good or favorable I should be praising and thanking Him for who He is and his goodness/blessing...when times are uncomfortable or difficult, I should be submissive to His understanding not my own and acknowledging his direction and control of situations far more vast than I can comprehend. And He promises to "direct my path" if this is true in my life. I remember the Nland picture and the phrase "God never promised an easy path"...that's true...but he did promise to be there and to guide and to strengthen. The only question is am I relying on the all-satisfying fountain of his grace for His glory and my good...or am I frustrated b/c things are happening as I think they should. I've noticed this with Israel as well...they complained and dejected and blasphemed and turned to other gods, but God always brought them back and when they did, he guided them in the path they should go either by prophetic utterance or pillar of cloud/fire. Trusting is a moment by moment understanding that He knows what's best and I need to just follow...its not about running ahead or stopping to contemplate alternate routes, but walking in that relationship daily to fulfill every need.

2007-04-11T08:50:00.000-04:00

So, I'm administering my last standardized test today...and while I have the free time I'll blog while sipping my Wawa coffee. Counting today, there are 39 more school days until June 5th...which is bringing me closer to the realization that I need to get a job soon for the summer. It also, as well as last year at this time, brings me to a place where I have to look back in retrospect at the past year to the path God has brought me down and how I've progressed as a Christian and a teacher (hopefully I've been able to do both). I'm realizing that I have more time to work on things relating to school, but not as much prep. is needed for my classes at the moment...so, I've been reading and researching a lot more. My creative juices seem to be flowing more lately w/ways to incorporate better teaching methods, visual aids, and ways to incorporate more non-linear thinking & discussions. Which brings me to an idea (though not new) to brainstorming w/other Christian school teachers that happen by this site: What methods have worked for you? What are you finding in your subject/topic is most profitable or valuable to your students? How have you incorporated Biblical life principles into seemingly destitute subject matter? I think this would be an interesting and profitable discussion for all those who are part of shaping young minds. Well, time escapes me but I want to leave with a parting verse...Ps. 2:11-12, "Serve the Lord with fear, and rejoice with trembling. Kiss the son, let he be angry, and you perish in the way, for his wrath is quickly kindled. Blessed are all who take refuge in him." See Piper's comments on it for further elaboration.

The view from the driver's seat

2007-04-06T12:00:00.001-04:00

Why? Why are you still here with me?
Didn’t you see what I’ve done?
In my shame I want to run,
And hide myself.
God it’s here I see the truth,
I don’t deserve you.

But I need you to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing you away from me.
I just never saw how you
Could cherish me.

Cause you’re a God who has all things,
And still you want me.

And I need you to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have

Your love makes me forget what I have been.
Your love makes me see who I really am.
Your love makes me forget what I have been.

WIth the words to this song running through my head as they flow from my radio...I've been broadsided by two thoughts. For so long I've been doing this to God...trying to deserve what I already have like some sort of penance to achieve his acceptance when I already have it. Second, I've been behind the driver's seat for too long. As the snow (yes snow), spirals down to glance off my windshield to await its next vehicular victim, I see the view from my driver's seat...
and figuratively and literally, I don't like it. I've made a mess of what God has given to me. I've tried to handle things on my own while forgetting that the all-surpassing joy that I have sought is waiting to actually be tapped into. As corny as it may seem and as horribly done as the movie was...this past weekend, a movie helped to smack a little perspective into me...with its living in the "now" and being "who you are", post-modern, new-age philosophical mumbo-jumbo. I wasn't completely turned away, but meditated on how this idea of redeeming the time, as Paul speaks so passionately to the people of Ephesus about, has been lost in my own life. Confounded by this idea, I sought out to find out further...John Wesley's notes on Ephesians say

"With all possible care redeeming the time - Saving all you can for the best purposes; buying every possible moment out of the hands of sin and Satan; out of the hands of sloth, ease, pleasure, worldly business; the more diligently, because the present are evil days, days of the grossest ignorance, immorality, and profaneness."

While Matthew Henry expounds with,

"Time is a talent given us by God, and it is misspent and lost when not employed according to his design. If we have lost our time heretofore, we must double our diligence for the future. Of that time which thousands on a dying bed would gladly redeem at the price of the whole world, how little do men think, and to what trifles they daily sacrifice it! People are very apt to complain of bad times; it were well if that stirred them more to redeem time. Be not unwise. Ignorance of our duty, and neglect of our souls, show the greatest folly.....When afflicted or weary, let us not seek to raise our spirits by strong drink, which is hateful and hurtful, and only ends in making sorrows more felt. But by fervent prayer let us seek to be filled with the Spirit, and to avoid whatever may grieve our gracious Comforter. All God's people have reason to sing for joy. Though we are not always singing, we should be always giving thanks; we should never want disposition for this duty, as we never want matter for it, through the whole course of our lives. Always, even in trials and afflictions, and for all things; being satisfied of their loving intent, and good tendency. God keeps believers from sinning against him, and engages them to submit one to another in all he has commanded, to promote his glory, and to fulfil their duties to each other."

Another translation, says "buy up your opportunities b/c we live in evil times"...with the limited time I do have, do I really want to spend it trying to tell God how my life is going to plan out...where I want to be in 5, 10, 20 years....where I see Him sending me and now He's got to act in accordance with my desires/will. So, what if I end up in the Pacific Northwest in the next few years or in a coffeeshop in Istanbul...God should be leading, directing, and guiding, but I've been so busy driving and not sitting in the back looking at the map or even looking out the window at the view. After all this inner turmoil in the past week, I've asked God to redirect my focus to its all-satisfying source, to give me a passion again for Him and people, to not dwell on my future but cherish each moment now as precious and valuable, to not live as if I'm paying him back for something he's already given...as the song again rushes through my head through ear phones and filters into every recess of my heart...

God it’s here I see the truth,
I don’t deserve you.

But I need you to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have

Your love makes me forget what I have been.
Your love makes me see who I really am.
Your love makes me forget what I have been.

2007-03-10T10:54:00.000-05:00

A tear wells up in my eye as I reflect on the past 5 months of basketball...I can't believe it...it seems like yesterday Tim, Ted, Josh, and I were beginning practices with a new motion offense, new zone defenses, full-court presses hoping that all would work...praying it wouldn't come back to bite us. Well, 5 months later and a 21-3 record, 7-0 in regular season conference play, ACCAC champs, KCEA champs...maybe all the changes did work or maybe it was just the talent we were working with....who knows, I added some pics to show a little bit of our journey this year.

Warrior Huddle...as Coach Hampton rallies the troops...actually, I just liked the pic.

Halftime at Home (Jam the Gym night)

A couple of pics from the "Jam the Gym" night against Faith Christian...WNPV 1440AM broadcast the game which you can hear. The other pic is of TJ shooting another free-throw which he shot a lot of that night.

On Feb 9-10, we won the ACCAC league tourney by beating Faith and High Point...

The girls won as well, and a front page article was put in the sports section of the North Penn Reporter.

A couple of weeks ago we won the KCEA tournament at Valley Forge by 31 and 40 respectively...well at least next year being in the PIAA we'll have more competition. Our complete season (wins/losses) can be viewed at Philly.com.

So, what do I know do with all my time... Well, I'm reading more and am currently in the middle of John Berendt's "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" as well as Donald Miller's "Searching For God Knows What"...interesting mix I know...so, if I fully endorse each book, by week's end I'll be drinking beer at a party in Savannah, GA while mixing it up Southern socialites trying to share my way of Christianity...not on my list of things to do...Though, I wouldn't mind visiting Sherman's Christmas gift.

Anyway, maybe I'll be more active...last night I went to bed around 7pm...didn't mean to. Got up to make pancakes and am expecting a new dryer any time now! Good times!! Grading a test on the "Roaring Twenties" today. Currently, I'm teaching on Islands of Oceania (Fiji, Hawaii, Solomon Islands, New Zealand,etc.), The Missouri Compromise (a major cause for the Civil War...at least in my estimation), I&II Timothy (qualifications of a Pastor...yeh, try that with 7th & 8th graders...they get it though and find it interesting...go figure), The French Revolution (Viva la "Give me a Break"...the French are always changing their minds and the twenty years during the late 18th-early 19th centuries are their heyday of indecisiveness), and the Stock Market Crash (speculation, short selling, buying on the margin, and a whole lot of bull....markets that is ;)...)

Looking forward to spring forward tonight, selection sunday, and these next few weeks of unlimited college basketball bliss...let the madness of march commence...by the way, my blog will remain these colors until Indiana loses in the tournament...bring on the Georgia Dome...GO HOOSIERS!!!

A Week off and National Leadership Conference

2007-02-20T13:47:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm officially starting my week off..since yesterday was a National holiday (it doesn't really count). You may ask, how am I spending my week away from teaching? Well, I'm spending the better part of my day (4-11pm) making runs to and from the airport picking up speakers/guests for the NLC at Calvary. Tomorrow, I'll try to hit a few of the general sessions/workshops...maybe Dr. Tuttle's (American Patriotism and World Evangelism) , Dr. Huss's (John's Prologue Unpacked: Avoiding teh Liberal and Conservative Christological Heresies), or Dr. Bauder's (Very God of Very God: Begotten, Not Made; Historical Expressions of the Deity of Christ)....who knows? I've also got to transport a few hundred pretzels for the NLC...all in a day's work. Thursday, the same (general sessions/workshops...especially, the 2pm one...), bbal practice @Bucks at 5:30 (last one of the year...tear :(, and try to make it back for Bible study. Friday, got a couple of return airport runs in the afternoon then KCEA Basketball Tournament @ Valley Forge at 8pm then I'm taking a few of the bball guys back to stay over until the tourney games in the afternoon...sleep in, eat pancakes, watch Hoosiers (if there was a better game to watch before a state championship game..I think not). After the tournament, I'll be heading to Camp for Singles Winter Weekend until Sunday afternoon then CBI on Sunday night @ Calvary...so, even though its a week off...its kind of full...at least I get to sleep in and I'll be posting more as I can...thoughts on the Conference...comments on the tourney...girls phone #'s I got at the winter weekend (j/k...stephen & sarah don't get your hopes up). Alright, I better go to clean out my car and get it prepped for airport runs.

So, in the Spirit of NLC...unity in a pluralistic world & also in reference to situations
God is bringing into my path this week may we echo Christ's statements in our lives...

John 17:11 I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the
world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of
your name--the name you gave me--so that they may be one as we are one.

John 17:21-23 that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in
you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have
sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as
we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let
the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved
me.

GO COLTS!!!!

2007-02-14T15:14:00.000-05:00

February 4, 2007...what a marvelous day for Indiana sports. The Indianapolis Colts defeated the Chicago Bears in Super Bowl XLI to win their first NFL Championship since moving to Indianapolis in 1984. Congrats to Coach Dungy, Peyton Manning, Marvin Harrison, the rest of the team, and the city of Indianapolis for a great run & for bring home a championship. I still can't believe it really happened...until next February the Indianapolis Colts are the World Champs...that's pretty awesome. What was even more awesome were the statements by Coach Dungy and Owner Jim Irsay that credited God for not just the success but for the journey he took them on and continues to take them on as Christians...kinda cool. I actually was reading an article from the IndyStar in Monday's paper about how coaches (like Dungy) need to separate their religion from football and stick to X's and O's. I second the replies that others have brought to the table and include it as a link that Christianity is and should never be a private ritual...it is a relationship more public than any other...we can't divorce someone's faith from their personal life. If America tries to remove the faith from all public avenues, what do we have left? As Christians, I'm persuaded that we are not to shove religion down anybody's throat, but should literally ooze out Christ so others would see something different and distinctly beautiful in us...Christ is life...even in football. Good job Colts and Coach Dungy! Continue to proclaim your faith from every platform you have (even makeshift ones in Miami).

Snow and a little update

2007-02-14T14:00:00.000-05:00

Well, I have a day set aside now b/c of inclement weather to give a little update and hopefully keep more in touch with those few who actually view this blog. No School today b/c of snow/freezing rain...they've been giving us false hope for the past few weeks...and by "they", I mean the weatherman in the Philly area. They build up our anticipation all week just to dash our hopes and dreams with nothing. Sometimes they give us a 2-hr. delay (which we had 3 so far this year)...guess its better than nothing. So far, I've used this day to strengthen my vocabulary, grab a few hrs. more sleep, read (a few hrs. so far), catch up on all my favorite soap operas (yeah right), and blog. So, I'll be adding more than just a picture soon b/c a lot has happened in the month I've been away and beside the updates I really need to muse a little more. The picture's not that great, but you get the point

Junior High Winter Weekend

2007-01-15T13:03:00.000-05:00

One thing I realized this weekend is that getting older or more out of shape...actually, I'm pretty sure its both. This weekend, I helped counsel at Calvary's JH winter weekend. It was pretty crazy crazy...it went like this: got there friday night during the service (after varsity lehigh game), ran w/jh'ers during the manhunt activity (shortness of breath)...tried to coax them to sleep (got about 6hrs...felt like 2). Saturday: meals, services, more running activities (slight coronary embolism), counselor time (basketball in activity center = cramping and loss of leg mobility), football afterwards (chronic hyperventilation with bouts of muscle tension and inflamed wheezing). Sunday: meals, service, more football (increased hypertension and continual cramping). So, all in all an exciting yet tiring weekend.

Derek (my housemate) and I had the 7th grade guys in our cabin for the weekend...good times...some of them still need to take Showering 101, but all in all were pretty responsive during the week. Got to talk to a couple one on one about personal situations and struggles and even during devotional/God and I time, Derek and I got some good feedback from the guys....they know the right answers for the most part now its up to God to work in their lives to produce the right results.

A couple of pics from camp...flour dodgeball & sharon tug (before limbs were ripped off).

Also, here's a video from Winter weekend & I have to give some background....A couple of months ago, I let it slip out to a couple of 8th grade guys that I used to play Mortal Kombat for Sega Genesis about 9-10 years ago...as 8th graders, they ran with it & were determined to play it for me at Winter weekend along with dancing...I had to get a video.

This past week.

2007-01-15T12:37:00.000-05:00

This past week was as expected pretty hectic. Besides the normal business of a high school teacher, extracurriculars were more than usual this week. I did have some help though b/c my cousin Justin had to fulfill his history ed. practicum for Northland, I had an assistant in grading, monitoring, teaching (which he did well in)...I'm going to miss my lackey (as Leslie Nichols affectionately referred to him as). So, from two away basketball games (Upper Bucks & Lehigh Valley..which we both won) to Mid-terms to JH winter weekend...it was a pretty out of the ordinary routine kind of week and weekend. I'll be adding more info. on these in a bit, but thought I would add a pic. of Saturday's AFC divisional game where the Colts hounded the Baltimore en route to the AFC Championship game...two years ago they made it to this point and lost to none other than the New England Patriots...hopefully this time the result will be different (game time is Sunday at 6:30pm).

New Year...Same God!

2007-01-08T00:09:00.000-05:00

I'm amazed that in this past year God has blessed me so much with an amazing position of ministry, great opportunities of mentoring, and a deeper love for Him and His Word. As I think of this new year, I'm praying/thinking for a couple of things. I'm praying that I'm taken out of my comfort zone. I think we as Christians, myself definitely included, take the comfortable way through our day, year, and even life. I want God to work and I want to be shaken, picked up, thrown back down, and torn away from the existence that I've made for myself. It may seem contrary to what is expected b/c nobody wants to go through a struggle or be caught in a dire circumstance. I want that and it may seem odd, but I feel that I've been too comfortable for too long. As I continue to read and study God's word, I'm drawn to passages like the the often-quoted Philippians 4:13...I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me! I want to see my level of security stripped so that only God and I remain. What does this look like...not sure, but Paul sure came to that realization and I want to see that firsthand. I want God to use me...I want Him to be able to use me in spite of my failures and insecurities. In my weakness, a transcendent God must be magnified...This overpowering/all-consuming influence must permeate my very core. Oh, for the God of Abraham, Moses, and Elijah to be evident in my life. I want my students to come to a more mature view of God and His presence. If I'm a part of that, who cares...it must and can only be God's working. I want to spend less time, money, physical exertion to making myself happy and more on furthering His kingdom. I want to not waste the time I have been given with frivolous endeavors, fulfilling Paul's mantra to "seek the things...and set my mind on things that are above", to "put to death the deeds of the flesh", to "count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord...that I may gain Christ", to "know him....becoming like him in his death", "to be an imitator of God...and walk in love as Christ loved us", and to in all things "rejoice in the Lord" so that all will see Him and not me. So, this same God that from eternity past chose me will be glorified whether I live or die. In 2007, may Christ be glorified in my life as I'm removed from my haven of American comfort and given the opportunity to suffer, serve, give, love, rejoice, and to be..to be what He's created me to be.

Christmas 2006

2006-12-30T11:29:00.000-05:00

It really has been a while since I've posted and by request I'm gonna. So, to update the past month and a half has been very busy. School is progressing very quickly and we've got semester exams a few weeks after Christmas break is over. Basketball is going well...the guys were 1-1 in the over the river tournament thursday/friday and are 8-2 on the season headed into a difficult month w/faith, high point, interboro, etc. Christmas was fantastic...headed down to Virginia to Stephen & Sarah's. My parents flew in from Indy, & John & Brooke came up from Greenville. Really enjoyed myself and am thankful for the family God has blessed me with. Here are some pics (actually some from while ago & some from Christmas:

Christmas party '06 at Becky's: Back row (Luke, me, Derek) & Front (Jaime, Becky, & Sharon)

Stephen & Sarah in front of their quaint little home in Portsmouth

The Branine/Schmidts on Christmas Eve

Stephen reflecting on his enthusiasm for a mix of dried fruits medley

Mom pouring PopRocks into Dad's mouth (all in his 'stache)

John & Brooke with their glasses & later matching t-shirts...the Schmidtz.

Stephen & Sarah's dog, Calistoga enjoying/eating her Christmas present (rubber and all)

Norfolk Botanical Gardens light display ('shroom & gingerbread man)...good times after Christmas.

Next: the Chrysler Museum of Art...very nice for its size! Including some works by major artists including the latter one (if anyone appreciates it...great. Gianlorenzo Bernini's final work is contained there: Bust of the Savior....amazing...one of the foremost baroque scupltors...anyway, moving on.

Lastly: one last parting shot of Norfolk from the Chrysler museum...good Christmas, relaxing, and good burst for 6 more months of school!

A Belated Merry Christmas to all & an early Happy New Year!

Christ, by highest heaven adored
Christ, the everlasting Lord;
Late in time behold Him come
Offspring of a virgin's womb.
Veiled in flesh the Godhead see;
Hail th' Incarnate Deity,
Pleased as man with man to dwell;
Jesus, our Emmanuel.

Come, Desire of nations come,
Fix in us Thy humble home;
Rise, the Woman's conquering Seed,
Bruise in us the Serpent's head.
Adam's likeness, Lord efface:
Stamp Thy image in its place;
Second Adam, from above,
Reinstate us in thy love.

Hail, the heav'n-born Prince of Peace!
Hail, the Son of Righteousness!
Light and life to all He brings,
Ris'n with healing in His wings.
Mild He lays His glory by,
Born that man no more may die,
Born to raise the sons of earth,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPHEN!!!

2006-12-05T14:53:00.000-05:00

To my brother, Stephen, on his 25th birthday...thanks for always being there & for your encouragement & example through the years! Christmas...your house in a few weeks...I'll be there!

Maranatha...to...Home (11/9-11/11)

2006-11-11T22:07:00.000-05:00

(11/9) Short trip to Maranatha...not sure what to expect...I've only been there for games (soccer/bball regionals). Got there around 4pm...we decided to eat dinner there instead of friday. My goodness...if we're talking about comparing menus, mbbc has got it together...their new dining common could fit Nland & Pills' both inside comfortably. Anyway, for those who remember (John/Brooke), caught up with Cynthia Bennett (affectionately knwon as C-Ben) & couple of her friends. Went to Latte Donatti (C-Ben's coffee shop) & chatted for a while to catch up...

Got back to the Guest room...they actually had cable...Tim & I were impressed at least. Checked the bus for my bags & couldn't find my suitcase for the life of me...found out the next morning that one of the guys had accidentally taken out and put it in their dorm...whoops. Ah well, I didn't need clean underwear anyway (j/k). No prank calls tonight...what a pity.

(11/10) Breakfast: we got waffles....they almost ran out of batter, but made some more...that's what I call service. Chapel was alright...different, but alright. Tim & I skipped the tour....what a shame. I actually got some work done this trip in the library...a little renaissance reconnaissance action (world history...I'm teaching on the renaissance soon). Only about an hour, then lunch...after we waited in the lunch room mingling w/teens coming in and out for about an hour....we decided to get some stuff packed up for our soon departure. I tell ya' it was horrible outside though. It was a mixture of sleet/snow/rain/hail/fire/brimstone/whatever & was crazy weather-wise. Well, I promised C-Ben that I'd go to History of Civ. w/her so I had to venture back out. That's where the pic is taken from...in the middle of sleeting Maranasty(Maranatha)!

(11/10 - 11/11) I'm combining these days because....well, I just can...actually, we drove the entire way back from 3pm on Friday till 10am on Saturday. Did some reading, played some games, made some calls, took several naps...had my best nap after a little Peppermint Mocha at a Starbucks at 3am in Ohio...slept for about 2 1/2 uninterrupted hours (glorious). We skipped breakfast so we could make it back by 10am.

So, in conclusion, an awesome trip...relaxing, but sleep-deprived. The teens sure enjoyed themself...especially at Nland. I pray and hope to see some of them take the steps toward future ministry whether its full-time or not. I'd love to see them go for at least a year to Bible college...whether or not they choose these three, I know this trip was more profitable then they will realize at least now. Also, I think I gained a couple of pounds b/c of eating out then sitting in a bus all day, unfortunately.

Well, this last little pic is when I got back...fall in PA...I was privileged to go for the week, but also glad to be home....a week and a half before Thanksgiving...can't wait!

Also, a random pic...sitting in my chair about two weeks ago working late...man, I look excited!

Good Ole' Northland (11/7-11/9)

2006-11-11T21:48:00.000-05:00

(11/7) Getting to Northland was a little more of a trek w/pretty much nothing in between....and there in the middle of nowhere are the bright lights of Northland. I didn't think I'd be back this soon...just over a year and half from graduation, and I was surprised how distant it felt to be back. I was surprised how few people I knew, but it was good to reconnect. Some of the PR/basketball guys put on a little mixer for the teens...better than pills, but..no free coupons...didn't matter. Tim & I searched around for a place to get a wireless connection so we could check on election stats...so, needless to say we went to sleep slightly discouraged. Before that, we decided to crank call the guys/girls dorm...sending security to tell our teens to be quiet in their rooms...just like the good 'ol days.

(11/8) So, chapel was the first highlight...Olson is always refreshing to hear. Spent some time catching up w/friends: Mel, Crystal, Erik, Brad, Suemi, and others. Went on the Nland tour....not sure why...wasn't too impressed but ah well. Rehashed w/Dr. Bennett after his class....still impressed w/his wisdom on education. Tried to get some grades entered in the afternoon...after a while, realized it wasn't worth it mainly b/c I kept finding people to talk to and distract me from doing it. That night after dinner, we took the teens to youth group at 1st Baptist in Pound (Tim's extension while at Nland) at Faith's gym in Coleman. My cousin, Justin, helps lead it and the teens had a good time...I was supposed to somehow get to Section 8 (where I went while in school) for their coffee shop/college bible study...to Jen, I still feel sorry about missing it...my phone went dead & I could do nothing about it.

(11/9) Wanted to leave after chapel...but we thought it was student body...nope, class chapel & not worth it. So, I had told Tim we'd try to get breakfast b/c you can make waffles in the morning now....well, after getting up at 7am...we found out that they are trying a parfait bar on Thursday morning...of all the days. Well, we were disappointed, but instead spent the morning in the grind...a good way to say adieu again to Nland....good weather there by they way. Now, we got to head to Maranasty by the afternoon, but are trying to delay the inevitable.

Overall, the teens really liked Northland...I would say the best, and I'm not being biased. Some of the comments: "If Pillsbury & Northland are around the same price, why would anyone go to Pillsbury?" "I can't believe people are as friendly as the promotional video! Its really that way." "So, can we skip Maranatha and just go home." "If God's leading me into the ministry then Northland's where I'm going"

I'm not trying to just toot Northland's horn...I would agree that I loved my time there & would strongly promote it...I would go to Northland again for my college education if I had to do it all over again. We had about 4-5 that seemed strongly interested in going there...so, we'll continue to pray for them in whatever decisions they decide to make.

One last parting shot from our guest room of the nice green grass...which a day later was covered in snow (from what I've heard).

Pillsbury (11/5-11/7)

2006-11-11T21:31:00.000-05:00

A several hour trip from our hotel in Illinois to Owatonna was long and drawn out to Pillsbury Baptist Bible College. Now, I've never been to Pills before so I have no idea what to expect. My first clue that it was going to be a challenge was when we arrived on Sunday night, and the coffee shop was closed...not a good sign. But, they let the teens play basketball for about an hour then they settled in.

(11/6) The next day was one of two mornings when I would not get up for breakfast...really not worth the physical strain. Went on the Pills tour and to a world history class w/some teens. Spent the afternoon in the bookstore w/Pastor Tim b/c really, there wasn't much else to do. After dinner, their improv group wanted to share some time with our teens...lets just lay the sarcasm aside & just say it was bad. The only profit: a free coffee coupon...alright, now we're getting somewhere.

(11/7) Packed up and off to the Mall of America. 1 1/2 hr. later & Minnesota was finally worth the trip...after surveying the landscape for a while...so know I have a cinnabon & the ability to shop for the next few hours...I knew I would enjoy this trip. About 3pm, we left for the alma mater...good ole' Northland. Not sure how the kids are going to view it after a disappointing Pills trip, but hoping it goes well.

Midwest College Trip

2006-11-11T20:48:00.000-05:00

From last Saturday (11/4) until this morning (11/11), I helped chaperone the Calvary teens on their trip to three colleges in the midwest. Pillsbury, Northland, and Maranatha were the stops...so, I'm going to quickly chronicle our trip from the beginning until today.

Before I left, it took several days to prep. for my classes that I would be leaving behind while trying to get grades tabulated at the same time...just so happens that I never got my grades in (they were due 11/3). If anybody knows what I'm talking about with grades, they can be a frustration especially when the gradebook in your computer has been down for two weeks before report cards go out. So, in the midst of all the prepping & grading, I had to find time to pack and did so the morning of (after about 3hrs. sleep).

November 11th: we left early (7am) from Calvary...made several stops and reached Schaumburg, IL by 9pm that night...crazy trip & here's some pics taken by the teens with my camera. Pretty much any time that I tried to take a short nap they thought it'd be fun to take pictures often posing with me...ah well.

So, here's Bryan posing while I'm trying to sleep.

Donnie & Maggie hanging out,

Paul & Donnie staring at or not at the camera,

and Elissa & Chris as well...

Taking the road less traveled

2006-10-27T01:06:00.000-04:00

The pic is of a road I take every day on my way to school, and as I was driving it today, it got me thinking so I stopped for a little while. Just like the road bends and you can't see the rest of the path b/c the trees hinder your view, so is our life as God leads us. Though we can't see exactly where He's leading, we continue to trust and follow. Not only is our dependance growing, but also as we turn the bend, we can see His will opening up, and it is good and pleasing and all-glorifying to Him. So as this less traveled road is traversed, we...I can't forget that its all for Him and it might not make sense now to follow, I've got to continue.

"Lead me in the path of your commandments, for I delight in it. Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain! Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways. Confirm to your servant your promise, that you may be feared. Turn away the reproach that I dread, for your rules are good. Behold, I long for your precepts; in your righteousness give me life!"
Psalm 119:35-40 (ESV)

Reflections on the journey to 23

2006-10-27T00:23:00.000-04:00

I know I'm a day late, but I thought it would be better to give a day for the realities of getting older to sink in. As I consider another year past, I can't help but think about what God has accomplished through me this year...I pray that I have in the past year loved more, encouraged more, prayed more, genuinely worshipped more, given more of myself, shared Jesus more, spent more true quality time with family and friends, laughed more, reflected more, studied more, meditated on God's word more, listened more, and truly savored the sovereignty of God in every situation. I've been reading about Augustine recently...not only for class, but also in my free time, and even though he had his flaws (who doesn't), he came away with a glimpse of God that I can't help but sit in awe of.

Augustine speaks first of the way he loves his God:

"But what do I love when I love my God?...Not the sweet melody of harmony and song; not the fragrance of flowers, perfumes, and spices; not manna or honey; not limbs such as the body delights to embrace. It is not these that I love when I love my God. And yet, when I love him, it is true that I love a light of a certain kind, a voice, a perfume, a food, an embrace; but they are of the kind that I love in my inner self, when my soul is bathed in light that is not bound by space; when it listens to sound that never dies away; when it breathes fragrance that is not borne away on the wind; when it tastes food that is never consumed by the eating; when it clings to an embrace from which it is not severed by fulfillment of desire. This is what I love when I love my God."

Next, and I know I'm going long, but its so worth it...he continues with a reflection on God:

"You are ever active, yet always at rest. You gather all things to yourself, though you suffer no need...You grieve for wrong, but suffer no pain. You can be angry and yet serene. Your works are varied, but your purpose is one and the same...You welcome those who come to you, though you never lost them. You are never in need yet are glad to gain, never covetous yet you exact a return for your gifts....You release us from our debts, but you l.ose nothing thereby. You are my God, my Life, my holy Delight, but is this enough to say to you>? Can any man say enough when he speaks of you? Yet woe betide those who are silent about you!"

Who can be silent about God and the all-satisfying pleasures at His right hand? My prayer in this next year and following as I consider God's direction for me (whatever that entails) may be to never be silent about Him, to not quench the Spirit's beckoning, to continually be drawing from the effervescent source of eternal joy, to vomit up grace as it pours out of my heart, mouth, and life, to lay prostrate in awe of his magnificence and beat my chest in repentance for how utterly inadequate and despicable I am, to relish every moment as heaven-breathed and as a token of his grace to exude gratefulness and service to Him.

To all who may be reading, I ask you to be my accountability...I need it more than you know. I need your prayers as I lift you up in mine. If I am to be a vessel worthy of Him, then I must be usable and pliable....willing to learn from mistakes as I allow him to pick me back up and brush me off. May my life be an avenue of God's glory to be reciprocated from this tarnished vessel back to Him so He is seen above all else and His fame and reknown is spread to those He sovereignly chooses to place in my path.

And soon it begins....the 2006-07 season

2006-10-17T17:39:00.000-04:00

This pic I took the other day reminded me of how busy my life is about to get in a couple weeks. Basketball season is starting up at the end of October until the end of March...crazy, but I love it. I hope to be updating as the season & school year continues. We've got a good core group of guys from last year, and we even added a little depth as well with a couple new students. I'm excited truly to see what God is going to do through them not only athletically, but in refining their character as men. They have great potential and an earnest desire to play which is good, but they lack that killer instinct at times in finishing strong. Coach is instituting a sheet for parents & athletes to sign that would keep them accountable for things such as showing respect to coaches and officials, showing up on time, dressing well, not commenting on lack of playing time, etc. An awesome idea, and one I wish we would have had last year because it would have curbed some headaches. So, as we look at this new basketball season 2006-2007, as I draw up plans for our full-court & 3/4 court presses...I remember those nice long afternoons at home like today which I will not see for about 5 months and gladly part with them.

Investment Activity

2006-10-14T23:57:00.000-04:00

This afternoon we had our annual investment activity for the youth group at Calvary. Basically, the activity runs this way...teens come w/two dollars a piece and a good idea. They form groups usually broken up guy/girl w/4-6 in each group. They meet at church then break up w/sponsors to go to their houses for lunch and a brainstorming session. Then, the groups go out for a few hours putting their ideas and two dollars together to make a reasonable profit. The resulting money is then pooled together at the end by all the groups & given to a missionary (which is usually determined by who is coming to missions conference a couple weeks afterward).

Well, Dave Gee and I were given a group of 5 guys (7th-9th grade) to work with. We split up into two groups & went our separate ways with these basic prodigious ideas: cleaning inside (possibly outside) of cars & if that fails, buy candy at a low price then resell for 2-3x its value. I took Adam, Zach, & Dustin and did just that. We were successful in washing only 3 total cars & cleaning inside one. After many rejections on the car idea, we decided to move to candy which worked well for us as well. As you can see in the pics, they took great pride in their work...often getting themselves more wet than the cars but they enjoyed it. We had an awesome time & ended up raising $75 from our group of 3 guys alone (a 700% profit...pretty awesome). The teens collectively were able to raise over $1,100 for missionary Jim Hayes in Thailand...so, all in all a great activity w/an awesome Biblical principle to back it up which is seen in the parable of the talents in Matthew 25:14-30, so let verse 29 sum it up for ya'.

29 "For to everyone who has, more shall be given, and he will have an abundance; but from the one who does not have, even what he does have shall be taken away."

Homecoming!

2006-10-14T19:40:00.000-04:00

This week was homecoming...from Monday's "Seeing Double Day" to Thursday's "Class Theme (Pirates for Sophomores)" it was a blast. Which I will add, my homeroom, THE SOPHOMORES, almost won the spirit award this year...From 1st in Class Banner (shown in the pic) to Most Proficient (in my opinion) in Class Cheer, these guys (& girls) really banded together and tore it up this week. And on Friday, our soccer/vball teams tore it up by sweeping High Point.

Second time around..

2006-10-14T18:49:00.000-04:00

Well, this is my second official blog....but the first to actually be of any consequence. I started one when I did my student teaching a year and a half ago, but haven't touched it since...so, its time to start afresh. Hopefully this will give an update to those desiring to know what I'm up to...if you're finding this for the first time, I'll fill you in. I am a second year JH/HS teacher at Calvary Baptist School in Lansdale, PA (Southeastern PA). Well, time is precious & I'm busy soon...so I'll go ahead and spend time later working on this blog of mine! To all those reading & enjoying, may you not only receive some joy from the ramblings & reminiscings but by viewing this blog gravitate toward truth and further a relationship with the only source of truth...the infallible scriptures breath by an immutable Creator.